Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Boiling Waters PH.
I’ve been loving you for so long and I guess, this is where our story ends.
So, It was 2019 when you told me na you didnt want anything to do with me. Pero sympre mapilit na ko medyo may pagkatanga pa. I viewed it as a sign na hindi ka pa ready to be in a relationship like you said so. Few months, later, you had a girlfriend, turns out you were just not ready for me.
A year later, you came back. You told me na you have always loved me and you were just scared na you were blaming yourself why it didnt work out before. I was in awe. I was so inlove and sabi ko, siguro eto na yung chance na magkakasama tayo kasi alam ko ikaw na e. Akala ko ikaw na. Alam ko sobrang mahirap ako mahalin, I have a lot of baggage and for a moment I thought na you were there to help me unload but it was not the case and I was wrong. Im sorry if nilagay ko sayo yung responsibility na ayusin ako. Sorry kung inisip ko na ikaw yung magiging solusyon sa pagkawala ko ng gana sa mundo.
While you are busy reading this article, try mo rin makinig sa episode namin:
Eto marahil ang dahilan, kung bakit nung ikaw ay lumisan, nawala ulit ang kagustuhan kong lumaban.
Pero eto parin ang tanong ko, Bakit hindi ka nagpaalam? nawala kang bigla na parang bula. Ilang gabi ang dumaan na iniisip ko, na deserve ko na iwan mo ko kasi mahina ako, kasi masyadong kumplikado ang buhay ko. I deserve to not be loved you. I dont even want me. so why would you?
It’s been almost a year but the pain feels like it was just yesterday. Alam mo ba, at some point sa pagmukmuk ko, I stopped crying. I just stared at the walls. I can literally feel the pain eating me from the inside. I dont blame you. You did your best but I wish you said goodbye.
It took me a while to realize that you were not coming back. No, scratch that. The moment you walked away, on the back of my mind, I know your not coming back but I always look at the door. Everytime.
Pag naririnig ko yung gate, Bumabangon ako, baka ikaw. Sana ikaw.
Lumipat ng bahay, pero iniisip ko parin kapag magbubukas yung gate, Sana ikaw. Pwede bang ikaw nalang?
Hanggang ngayon, nanlalamig parin ang mga kamay ko kapag naiisip ko na pwede kitang makasalubong kahit alam ko na hindi ka naman magagawi sa lugar ko. Kahapon, napadaan ako sa BGC, sa place na naglalaro kayo ng Prisbi. Saw someone with the same build as you and he had his back on me. Muntik ko na lapitan. hahaha buti nlng lumingon sya. pogi. hindi ikaw yun. charot. hahaha pero legit yung kaba ko bes. feeling ko tatalon yung puso ko sa sobrang excited at takot. kakayanin ko kaya kapag sinabi mo sakin ng personal na hindi mo naman talaga ako minahal? pero hindi. Mahal mo ko e, ramdam ko yun. kelan mo ba nalaman na hindi mo na ko mahal? kelan ka nag desisyon na ayaw mo ng bumalik? Sana sinabi mo. Everyone had been telling me na it was mean of you to not say goodbye pero alam nating dalawa na walang ibang paraan para gawin yun. Kasi sa totoo lang, kung nagpaalam ka, malamang nagmakaawa ako. iiyak ako sa harap mo, pipilitin kong wag kang umalis, wag mo kong iwan kahit magmukha man akong tanga. Alam ko gagawin ko yun at mahihirapan ka umalis. Darating ang panahon na hindi ka na masaya, pero hindi ka aalis kasi iniisip mo ko. So, I guess, it was the best thing to do. It did hurt me. But hey, if you said goodbye, it would still hurt the same.
True when they said, Days turns to weeks, weeks turns to months and then now, just 2 months more its a year. I cant believe your really gone.
Anong ginawa ko sa mga panahon na yun?
I tried to ruin myself. I did. Cuts where no one can see. I ve hurt myself many times pero it was this time na I hurt myself kasi yung pain was unbearable and its making me feel numb. I figured, I wanna play around too. I met up with people. Made out with a few guys or probably a lot. Who can tell? Im a slut and I dont care what people say. Sabi nga ni Meredith Grey: You don’t get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don’t get to call me a whore.
Basically, ganun. Then, I had a scare. hahaha thought I caught something ( I got checked, it’s not what you think it is) So, I had to stop. I took 3 jobs at the same time. I was working 16-18 hours a day. I barely slept. I barely saw the sun. I didnt take off days. Then, i got sick. Liver disease went up to stage 3, developed a Myoma on top of my heart issue. I remembered the moment when I said na its okay, you’ve been fighting hard enough for so long. Maybe I deserve to get some rest. Maybe I deserve to just die. But Life, as usual had other plans for me. I found myself with more family responsibilities that I’m used to. I know now, I cant leave. I had to live. I started going out again. Re activated my facebook account and connected with Friends ( I know I told you that I already announced that I’m getting married, How do i take that back? lols. Hanggang ngayon yata inisip nila na natuloy)
Relationship? I did the one thing most broken people do. Get back with their ex. Why? because it’s comfortable. It’s familiar and sabi ko nga, atleast hindi nya ko sinaktan. We had our moment but turns out, after 2 years with you, He had already moved on. We did try to get the feeling back but it was no longer there.
Tama nga sila, pagkalipas ng panahon, matatanong mo sa sarili mo na “panu ko kaya nakayanan yun?” Alam mo bang, yung binigay ko na scrapbook natin dapat, everytime na nagsusulat ako dun, matinding iyakan, pero ngayon..ngayon, hinihintay kong pumatak mga luha ko pero wala na. napapangiti nalang ako. naghilom na pala yung sugat ko.
Again, I dont blame you. Alam ko you also had the same dreams that I did. We made plans. I know you tried more than you ever did with anyone else. Nakita ko yung hirap na pinagdaanan mo para lang mag stay sakin and ngayon, it’s okay. I’m doing better and I hope you are to.
So, Baka naman Lord. Sana naman Lord, wag mo na hayaang madugtungan pa tong kwento na to. hahah kota na Lord e. 2018 ko pa sya mahal, may 4 years old na sana kami ngayon hahahah.
Thank you for giving me the ending that I did not deserve but I needed. I’m not gonna say na you’ll have a place in my heart or i’ll always love you kasi I’d be lying to myself. No. I dont love you anymore. We were not right for each other. We were miserable. hahaha remember?
Me: ( tinitingnan ka, tapos sabay hawak sa kamay mo )
Ikaw: Wag mo ko hawakan
Me : ( binitawan, pero natuwa kasi masungit ka )
Ikaw: Wag kang tumawa
Me: ( pigil tawa, tumingin na lang )
Ikaw: Wag mo kong tingnan
Me:( pumikit, sabay talikod)
Pero langya. kinilig pa ko dun hahahaha akala ko kasi nagsusungit ka lang hahahaha
What hit me hardest, was the night when you had to go to a game, sympre hindi kita pipigilan kahit magpapanic ako. sabi ko sayo okay lang. pero hindi e. hindi talaga. pero hinabol kita, kasi ayokong magbyahe ka na iniisip mo ko. Umalis ka. Hinabol kita.literal. walang halong drama mga bes. Umiyak ako sa daan pero chill hindi nmn ako nadapa ng ala – san cai at hindi rin umuulan. nakita ko lang sarili ko na umiiyak, takot na takot, iniwan. Ibang level yun sakin kasi may matinding agoraphobia ako. Hindi ko alam panu ko nakabalik sa bahay. Later, sabi ng psychiatrist ko, It was dissociation, yung sobrang pain, ibang personality ang nagtake over kaya hindi ko maalala. parang sa pelikula lang noh? nangyayari pala yun sa totoong buhay.
Pagkatapos nun, unti unti ko ng narealize na. Okay ka. Okay din ako pero hindi okay yung tayo. I started meeting up with a guy. Sinabi ko sayo. Baka sakaling magselos ka. hahah sabihin mo sakin na ako lang dapat kasama mo. pero remember anong sinabi mo sakin bago yun? “Dapat ba ako lagi kasama mo?”. Nagchange ako ng code sa phone, kasi ayoko mabasa mo na kinukwento ko dun sa guy yung signs na baka hindi mo na ko mahal. Wag ka mag alala, hindi nmn naging kami. I was so in love with you na wala akong ibang makita kundi ikaw.
2023, I picked up a new guy. He is broken too. Siguro nga rehab talaga ako. taga ayos ng mga taong sinira ng panahon at pagkakataon. Tanong ko lang, ano naman kayang trauma ibibigay sakin nito? Sa susunod ba na pag sulat ko, sya na ang tema ng kwentong ito?
Nasa shift parin ako 2 hours na ko nagsusulat dito. Tama na nga.
Hanggang sa muli mga kaibigan, at sayo,
Aze
