My Last Letter To You

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Boiling Waters PH.

I’ve never thought I’ve met you again after so many years. It was just a wishful thinking but God took it seriously. And I’ve never thought I’ll still love you this much despite the years that gone by.

We never had a history. We are merely acquaintance if I can even call us that. You maybe have known me in the past as one of your classmates, sometimes schoolmates, in elementary and high school days. As a classmate who have always been teased having a big crush on you. As a classmate who once confessed with you in messenger one Christmas eve and you rejected saying I should not force it anymore. As a classmate who randomly adds you in Facebook twice on different years and you never accepted. As someone who liked one of your Facebook posts just two days ago even if it was posted two weeks ago and you might now think was still stalking you, if you ever think of it at all.

But for me, I have known you forever as my first love. I have loved you for more than a decade. I have loved you almost all my life. I have loved you for so long that I have never even known how my feelings started. During third grade, I have already been sneaking out of the classroom just to see you. I have watched you from a distance for so long. I watched you serve the church as a sacristan, making sure I will be attending that 2:30 pm mass you served. During sixth grade, I watched you enjoy newspaper dance with someone else at our Christmas Party. I watched you gave Christmas gift to your girl best friend during our second year of high school. I watched you enter the seminarian after graduating high school and remember praying to God that if ever He changes His mind about your calling, let me have you instead. I watched you as you went outside the seminary and pursue a teaching profession. I watched you met your first girlfriend from that same school. She was younger than my youngest sister. But she was beautiful and talented and have a good heart and I understand why you fall for her. I watched you do things for her; the very same things I long prayed you do for me.

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I was watching you doing life throughout my whole life. Even we are on different schools, even if I have never seen you for more than a decade, even if I was busy having life of my own, and even if I have thought I’ve moved on, you never failed to cross my mind from time to time. And I have always wanted to know how you were doing in life. Were you having a hard time too like me?

Halfway this year, I have never thought to see you sitting in front of me, while attending the same church. I heard your family moved in to the same barangay as mine. I heard you broke up with her maybe just last year and now teaching on a different school. And as you sit and walk so close to me, now within my reach, I thought God has given us the second chance to start a new. I had so much hope that maybe, you and me can happen now. Now that we’ve come so far from before, both have gone through life, you might see me from a different perspective now. It’s the same time I have realized, I’m still waiting for you after all these years. You still make my heart beats like no one else. You are still a dream that I wanted to reach.

But, as I watched you walked past me, like you never remember me anymore, like you’ve completely forgotten that girl who had confessed to you, like we never even became classmates, my hopes faded slowly and painfully. As you never threw me a look even during the “peace be with you” part of the mass for the past six months, while our parents does, as I waited for you to approach me as old acquaintance do, as I waited for you to finally add me on Facebook, as I waited for you to greet me “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year”, as I cried myself in frustration, as I lacked sleep thinking about the possibility of you and me, as I liked one of your Facebook posts two days ago even if it was posted two weeks ago just to make you remember me, even merely as someone you cross paths with throughout this life, I realized I’m still that teenage girl waiting for you to notice me, like the world revolves around you.

For me, it was destiny. For you, it was nothing. While I might never cross your mind, even for a second, my dreams are full of you. While I was thinking of the possibility of you and me, maybe you were busy thinking of the possibility of you and her coming back together.

As I attended the New Year’s Eve mass, and as you and your family sit on the next pew beside mine, and as they exchanged “peace be with you” and we don’t, I finally prayed to God for this to end. I never remember when I had started loving you, and I could not believe I can love someone this much after years of not seeing you, even without single communication, but I realized I wanted to remember when this will end. As I knelt in the church during communion, I remember praying to God to take away all this love I have for you and let it reach you through someone else. I might not be able to be the one to let you feel this overflowing love, but I know God will bring it to you somehow.

You may not remember a single detail about me, but I remember almost everything about you. I remember when you patted my head on our second year in high school when I paid a dedication booth to play a song for you on your birthday. I remember when I refused to dance a lot of guys during our acquaintance party, because I wanted you to be my first dance, and you did. It was brief but I still remember the song playing in the background: “Moment of Truth”. I remember you teaching me conversion of units during third year high school because I was one week late in the enrollment and I have missed a lot of lessons. I remember you were teased by my classmates to teach me because we are on different sections that time, and I remember not learning anything because I was too focused of you sitting beside me. I remember when we played chess together and though I’m trembling the whole game, I won. I remember when we rode the tricycle together because our houses are along the same way. I realized I have very few moments with you as compared to the length of time I’ve spent loving you. And I had never even been given a chance to know you deeply. We never became close mainly because I’m always trembling and stuttering whenever you’re close to me. And maybe it made you feel uneasy. But I hope you tried harder.

Though I have never known you, I know you love your family so much, especially your mother. I know you love your friends so much; you’re willing to fight for them. And I know you love God so much and you’ve tried becoming His full-time servant, but God has other plans. And I know that you love her so much, you’ve decided to give up your dream of becoming a priest. And I know you’re having a hard time figuring out what you will do next in your life after her. But I prayed for you. And God will surely guide you and be with you all throughout your life. I wish for your happiness.

To my first love, I love you. So much, I cannot even comprehend how. I hope I can at least tell you that it’s not just a simple crush like I confessed before. It grown stronger throughout the years. That it might be willing to wait for you no matter how long you take. But God opened my eyes to reality that I am waiting for nothing. The love I gave you was enough for me to finally stop. You were my first heartbreak. And you continue to be. Without you even knowing it.

 As this year ends, I finally realized we are never meant to be in this lifetime. Maybe in another lifetime, we will. And as I bid goodbye from the old year, I bid my farewell to you, too. And to this love that stood the test of time. But never reached you. Just like the love letters I wrote for you that you never get a chance to read.

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