Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Boiling Waters PH.
The most painful of all heartaches doesn’t come from a breakup. It comes from loving someone who is not yours and will never be yours. What makes it worst, is if you were in that situation for 10 long years.
Everyday we had our late night conversations, pag gising ko sa umaga message mo na una ko makikita at bago matulog sa gabi message mo huli kong mababsa. We were the confidant of each other. You shared with me everything, from you problem to your glorious days. We even talked about those girls you’ve liked, but you were never in a relationship. Somewhere in my mind was asking, are you just making me jealous or is it your way of saying I couldn’t be those girls? But we never talked about what we had. I know what I felt was special. It was more than beyond friends.
Until one day, you told me you impregnated someone. That you will marry her and you have to go somewhere else, miles away, to be with her. It literally crashed my world. I had to put a smile in front of you and show that I was very happy for you that you will be starting your own family.
When you had your family, I thought my feelings will end. I thought what we had will end too. But we never loose our communication. You even made me ninang of your child. When you asked me for that, I dont know how to feel. Will I be happy because you entrusted me your child or will I feel hurt, kasi ako dapat yung magiging nanay ng mga anak mo, hindi ninang lang. It was like a lifetime bond with you dahil nangako ako sa simbahan that I will be there for your child. So sabi ko sa sarili ko, siguro this time I would learn how to manage my feelings for you.
But I was wrong. As years went by, my feelings for you goes deeper and deeper. So deep that I no longer know how to run away from that. I was still here for you anytime you needed me. I was like a sponge absorbing everything. Even those rough times you had with your wife, I was just there at your side listening. Helping you to fix your marriage even I was so hurt seeing you hurting. Whenever we had the chance to be on the same place, we will find time to meet. During those times that we have our own time, I was very happy, I felt so special. I don’t want to embrace that feeling because I know it is wrong, but part of me doesn’t want to end that moment. Part of me wished we could just stay like that. Whenever that moment ends, I always felt so shattered. Yung feeling na galing sa breakup.
For 10 years you became my routine. Routine na paulit-ulit lang nasasakatan. Paulit ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko tama na, move on na. Pero kapag nagpaparamdam ka bumabalik lang ang lahat sa dati.
Then time came for my realizations. Lately, the only reason for our late night conversation is your family problems. If you are okay, I dont hear anything from you. You never asked how am I doing, not until I open up first. You even dont remember my birthday. Not until someone reminds you. It was always me who starts our conversations. It was always me exerting effort. I know I shouldn’t be expecting, I shouldn’t feel this way because wala namang “tayo”, walang naging “tayo”. But I was still expecting as a friend, at least, na sana ikaw yung unang nangangamusta kahit wala kang kailangan. Na sana naalala mo yung pinaka importanteng araw sa buhay ko ng walang nagreremind sayo. I’ve tried to deactivate from the app we are communicating with. To see if you will notice my absence. If you will ask why. Pero lumipas ang pasko, bagong taon, nagkaron ako ng covid, naka survive ako, wala kang paramdam.
This time I told my self, tama na.I have to stop thinking what ifs. I have to stop hurting my self. I need to care for my self instead of caring for you. I had given so much of my time and emotions for you. For so many years I kept on validating my thoughts, my feelings for you and us. I kept on justifying your actions. I kept on giving us chances to be at least real friends. But I realized we can never be friends. I can never be friends with someone I love more than my self. I would just keep hurting my self. I need to be away from you to save whatever I can save for my self. If only I recognize and acknowledge the signs earlier, if only I’ve got the courage to run away from every chances I had, I could have saved my heart from shattering repeatedly for so many times.