When 2019 came, I was lost. I didn’t know the right path to take, the right people to talk to. I questioned my purpose and my very own existence. Have you ever felt that? Was there a point in your life that you asked, “Why am I doing the things I do now?”
“Why am I working so hard to earn and save money?”
“What’s the purpose of all of these?”
“Who do I live for?”
Yes, I feed myself, clothe myself and pay my own bills. I hang out with my friends and talk to my family. I would always say that I was fine and I was doing good because I thought I was. I guess being independent ate me alive. I realized that BEING STRONG made me weak. It made me feel empty. It made me realize that I am not really strong like I think I am. I was just wearing a mask. But what was I hiding? I couldn’t think of an answer until I prayed and God somehow whispered, “You are just and still a child but you are My child.” Then I cried.
Yep, I am still a child. A child still still in need of teachings; a child still in need of guidance; of wisdom and words. A child who needs to be reminded that she has a Father who has plans for her. A child who needs to broken so she can be whole again; not by herself but this time, by her Creator. A child who should know nothing so she can be taught. A child who needs to know that promises made by man are never guaranteed but God’s words are always true and everlasting.
One thing “being weak” taught me? That’s it’s okay to be. God sometimes let us do things our way not because He doesn’t care but for us to know later that we can’t do things on our own; that we need Him; that we will always be a child who needs a Father. If we’re perfect and can do everything, do you think we will ever pray and ask God to help us? God knew at the very beginning that we’ll lose but He will still let us go thru the battle anyway. Why? Why would our Father let us experience defeat? Why would he let us be hurt?
SURRENDER. God wants us to surrender and by surrendering, I mean everything. I learned this the hard way. I questioned God for a closed door not knowing that He has better one for me. I hated Him for breaking me not knowing that He would rebuild me. I condemned Him for making me feel empty not knowing that I was meant to feel empty so I can be filled again. I was busy looking for my purpose and asking who I am until God says, “I am your Father and you are my child.” (2 Corinthians 6:18) I built high walls and had trouble trusting again until God says, “The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)
I chased unworthy people and opened wrong doors. I fought battles on my own ‘cos I thought I knew it all. I was defeated, depressed and devastated until God says, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14)
So there. I let go of the worries, fears, doubts and insecurities that consumed me. I am now reminded that God loves me unconditionally despite of how broken I was; that He would always choose me regardless of my past. I surrendered. I gave up the fights that I was clinging to for so long. I now understand that some battles are not meant to be won- they are just reminders that you need to be still and let the Lord fight on your behalf. He did it 2,000 years ago and He will do it over and over again for you. Because honey, you are always worth fighting for.
And remember: There is freedom in surrender.