Am I still your final destination?
It’s been years when you went to our home and laid down your intentions. And until now that memory, it’s still crystal clear to me. I just don’t want to describe it anymore but one thing I am sure, that was our first and last exchange of maturity moment. Our first and last personal confrontation. Our first and last agreement. I mean I am not sure if it was a shared agreement. I am not sure if you were just the one who have decided what we have now, what we are now, where we are now and why are we even everywhere; when we can choose to be officially together on that night.
Actually, you made a choice I did not expect.
You are the one who realized that you do not deserve me yet. You are the one who claimed that you are not worthy to have me yet. You are the one who told me that you cannot embrace my values and faith yet. You are the one who named all your imperfections that doesn’t suit me. You have accepted that you are not even qualified to have me. You are the one who let go of yourself. You have decided to stop pursuing because you said that you want to allow yourself to enjoy your youth. But you gave me words to hold on. You said that you will just have sidelines but I am going to be your final business. You said that you will prove yourself and when all of you is settled, you will come back to me. You have decided everything. You actually planned almost everything. I didn’t agree on your statements. Yet, I did not even say a word and gave you silence as an answer.
Now, I am in the middle of waiting. It’s been another year. We haven’t seen each other. I am recalling your funny memories but it doesn’t make me laugh anymore. If I have time, I visit and spend dinner with my family and they would usually tease me about you. But now, when I visit we would spend time after dinner to discuss reports about you. And the rest, will be counselling and reminding sessions.
It’s been a year when you left to start unfolding your profession.
Since that day, you rarely communicate and when you do, I always make it obvious that I am blocking our connection. Because I do not want to distract you in your season of development. I do not want to force you to stop playing other women’s emotions. Because I want you to be a man who will realize to value women not because I told you to do so. I will even support you to go for it, if you feel like the girl you will play with is the one for you. And then, next thing you will do is reassure me.
But as much as I want to listen, it seems like we don’t even hear each other anymore. We may see each other’s face on social media but I don’t even know if we really look for it. We may remember every touch but cannot feel it anymore.
Did you know how hard it is for me to be in this position of uncertainty? Did you know how much I long for you? Did you know that even if I am surrounded with ones that are closer, I set walls to keep you. Did you hear that silent thoughts about you?
Did you even know how much you change my standards? Did you know the struggle of wanting you, even If I know you are not yet what God wants me to have? Did you know that you are not what I prayed for? But you are now part of my prayer. Did you hear my prayer echoing? Did you even know how much you challenge my faith? Did you know how difficult it is for me to fight against my emotions and keep the leading of the Holy Spirit?
But with all of these “did you know”
I also have my “I don’t know”
I don’t know if I should still hold on or let you go. I don’t know if I am still listening to the voice of my Heavenly Father. I don’t know if you are worth the wait. I don’t even know if you will still wait for me. I don’t know when are you going to be ready. I don’t know if you’re even using this season of waiting to develop yourself. I don’t know if you’re seeking God’s counsel. I don’t know if I am even part of your prayer. I don’t know if it is a right decision to just let you do what you want; then if you’re done, you’re gonna come back to me as if you didn’t play with other women’s emotions. I don’t know now if you’re worth fighting for. And I don’t know why even if it’s wrong it feels right.
But here is what I know
I know we are into different stopovers in this tour of life. At first, I thought my stopovers would be just school responsibilities, career, passion development, spiritual growth and living independently. While yours would be managing your profession and character development.
But now, must I accept that maybe you are destined to be an additional to my stopovers?
Given the fact that we are not yet reaching the tourist spot, but you already end your tour by staying on that flower whom I thought is just part of your stopovers. Are you just gonna pick that flower and play with it because you like it? Or are you going to take care of it because you love it? I will know when I see that flower with you, when you get back home and plant that flower. And if that will happen, I pray that it’s not that torturing to see you watering that flower everyday. Smile and talk to that flower. And eventually grow that flower with you and build an entire garden of it. I hope it’s not that torturing to even see you sharing your life with that flower until, that flower dies.
Are we still each other’s final destination?
Am I still your final destination?