Hey TOTGA (I actually put his name in this, I just changed it for the purpose of posting here), I hope you’re doing great. And I do hope that you won’t be able to read this. Funny it is but all I want is to express these feelings and words that I am trying to hold for the past 6 years. Maybe, just maybe, I will finally be free from these feelings and will be able to forgive myself. I’ve got so much weight in my heart, I can’t even remember when exactly it all started, but this has been bothering me since then. You left without saying goodbye. I can’t even remember how many times I was left hanging without any word. Too foolish of me to let it happen a couple of times. But I still cannot blame you, it was me all along because I let it happen. I know that a no closure is already a closure. I am well aware of it. But the thing is that I cannot accept that you, my most beloved person left me hanging not just once but multiple times. Since then I began to question my worthiness, maybe I am not good enough for goodbyes.
Maybe I am not good enough for a simple explanation why it will never be me all along. I would never want to blame you, it’s my decision all along that maybe if I try to learn how to love someone who is in love of me head over heels, I will finally be free and forget everything about us. Again, I was wrong. Totally wrong. Damn to that person who was I 6 years ago. And damn to that current me because I still cannot forgive that foolish me.
I may not fully understand your decisions but I know that if it’s what you think is the best for you, you will surely aim and go for it. I always wish you the best. I have never, at least once, did think or wish of anything unfortunate will happen to you. I am always that person, even out of the picture, will always pray and hope for your well-being.
I just want to free myself from these lingering feelings, so that the next time I will fall in love for someone, it will be that me, just me, without any regrets and fears just like I do when fell in love with you, that I will be able to give my whole self without reservations and fears.
I am always praying that you are happy, because I know that you deserve it. Just know that I didn’t hate you even once. Thank you for everything. Always be well. Sorry for all of my lapses. And goodbye TOTGA. Goodbye to my twin soul.