Mahirap magpatawad, pero eto ang paraan para maging malaya ka.
I met someone in my college years who became very special in my heart, the one I truly loved, the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, and the one who almost destroyed me in the long run. I was given a promise years ago that he would introduce me to his family and to the public. Our relationship was kept secret, and I agreed in that condition since we’re still a student at that time. We were very focused on our academics and our dreams in the future, and it became our motivation to do good in our studies. We supported each other by studying together in coffee shops, in fast-food chains, libraries in our school, and other places near our school. And with that, studying together became our bonding. We even celebrated our small victories like “All Blue Term” (meaning Walang bagsak) in different places in Manila. It’s simple, yet it’s special. Of course, staying longer with your partner, you encounter a lot of imperfections and flaws. There was a time I became insecure with the success of my partner in academics due to competitiveness. Kumbaga ayaw kong naaangatan ako, na isa rin sa mga pinagsisihan ko. And because of that, I didn’t realize that our relationship was becoming toxic. Until I realized that he’s been doing his best for both of us, and I didn’t appreciate it. We also had fun outside school, like going to the movies, karaokehub (because he loves to sing), museums, and our favorite, the unlimited foods (kaya tumaba kami). These things look romantic, but those photos we had here cannot be posted online due to our status in our relationship. Hindi kami malaya, dahil kailangan naming ideny sa buong mundo ang relasyon at pagmamahalan naming dalawa. And it’s excruciating for me, but I trusted him because I love him.
In the long run (a few years later), it became complicated for me to handle that kind of setup. It hurts me a lot that he’s denying me in his front of his family when we’re attending worship services and I even cried with him about it,”Hanggang kailan tayo ganito na sa harapan nila, nagpapanggap tayong hindi magkakilala?” and kept a promise again, “Pramis, malapit na kaunting tiis nalang malapit na rin tayong grumaduate.” But hope was gone due to our fights, conflicts with things we wanted in our future, and we were emotionally hurting each other. Until one day he said to me, “Alam mo yung masakit? hindi ko na matutupad yung pinangako ko sayo nuon. Sobra na kasi kitang nasasaktan at marami nang nagbago sayo. Nawala yung taong minahal ko, nabago kita. Kailangan mo munang buoin yung sarili mo, baka kasi kailangan mo lang ng kasama. Pero hindi mo na ako mahal.” The tears in my eyes fell because I didn’t realize that the pain inside our relationship covered the love we had for each other. I realized that love isn’t enough to heal our brokenness inside the relationship. I gave him the space he wanted, pero mga ilang buwan pa lang kaming hiwalay hindi ko akalain na maghahanap na siya kaagad ng iba. Hindi ko matanggap yung sakit na naramdaman ko sa kanya. Ganoon lang pala kababaw ang tingin niya sa relasyon naming dalawa na ganoon lang niya ako kabilis pinalitan.
Hanggang ngayon hinahanap ko pa rin ang kapatawaran ko sa kanya kasi gusto kong maging masaya at mag move forward sa buhay ko. Ipinagdadasal ko rin na balang araw matutuklasan ko rin ang kasagutan kung bakit eto nangyari sa akin at balang araw mahahanap ko rin ang kapatawaran ko sa sarili ko at uunti untiiin ko rin palayain ang sarili ko.