It’s been almost three years.
It’s been 3 long years since I have surrendered the pen to God. As what Pastor Joshua Harris said in his book, it’s been a long time since I kissed dating goodbye. With my trembling hands, I remember giving God the pen not out of solid decision but more of desperation. After my first big heart break, I was afraid to be hurt again. The pain of being left and losing somebody you thought you could have forever was real. The fear of experiencing sleepless nights, hours of weeping until no more tears would come, and pretending everything’s okay just to do the things you need to do every day was extreme. I remember asking God why do I have to experience this when all I yearned is to be loved and cherished? When all I had dreamed is a perfect love story written by Him? And during this desperate prayer came a soft, gentle tugging upon my heart. God made me realize that I have searched for true love in my own way. He made me realize that what I’m feeling is a kind of pain He never meant for me to experience.
There and then, with tears in my eyes.. I invited the Author of Romance to be the center of my love life.
During these years, God did great and amazing things in my life. I discovered that more than anything, God desires the number one spot in our hearts. I have realized that before I can relate to opposite sex, I must first relate myself to the One who created it! I found joy in serving Him and joy in serving other people. I decided to focus on building myself around Him and depend on Him alone. I stopped entertaining men whom I know are not His will for my life. I soon realized that loving Him is the key to obey Him easily especially in my love life. Yes, He is my sweeter song.
I also made a commitment to honor my future husband in everything I say and do. Even before we meet. It’s a commitment I made to seek for his highest good with sacrificial and selfless love. Even if it means staying single until he arrives. It’s a commitment I made that the next person I will date will be my husband.
During these years, I always mentioned my nameless prince to God. That God would always take care of him, protect him from temptations and prepare our hearts and minds for a lifetime together.
Was that easy? No. There were many nights when I longed to have someone I could share my life and experiences with. There were many days when I dreamed of having someone to spend my Sundays and someone I can freely pour out my heart to with its desires, dreams, disappointments and joys. During these random moments, I used to write love letters for him. And I have this promise to give it to him on our wedding day. I want him to know that I was thinking of him on those days. How excited I was to meet him!
Months passed, and then turned into years. I saw no trace of him.
I kept the faith and waited though deep inside my heart, I had this confidence to say that I’m ready. That my heart is ready to commit again for good.
I started to question God why it seems that He’s taking everything slow for me. I’ve been waiting for too long. Ano pa ba ang hinihintay Nya para di pa rin Nya ipakilala yung beloved ko?
Until recently, someone entered my life. I’ve known him from afar, and it’s so weird to remember admiring him before thinking he’s a good man. I even remember jokingly wishing to God for him to text or chat me, but for some reasons, that didn’t happen. Sabi ko pa, di siguro sya kasi di natupad. Then after several months, we got the chance to have a simple conversation and I never expected that I’d come to know him better and deeper as days went by. Sharing the same faith and love for the Lord, our hearts drew closer. We used to spend hours sharing each other’s experiences and goodness of our Lord. We started building this deep bond where I can’t pass a day without talking to him. Every conversation was unforgettable. We were both happy. I’ve never been close to any guy since the day I surrendered my love life to God.
Thinking this might be a part of His plan for me, I started praying for him and I started praying that God can remove him if he’s not part of His plan. And when He removed him.. only then have i realized that I prayed too late. Coz I can clearly feel the pain. I didn’t guard my heart too well. After almost three years, here I go again experiencing the exact pain I’ve been trying to avoid for so long. It’s as if, I broke up with a boyfriend even if we’ve never reached that point. I have let premature intimacy lead the way without a solid commitment. I felt as if my heart was again thrown into the ground, trampled and torn into tiny little pieces.
With tears in my eyes, I asked myself hundred times why I let these things happened? Why God let this happened? Is He playing with my heart?
At that God-defining moment, it’s as if He himself was talking to me:
“ Daughter, you’ve been asking too many times to send the right man in your life. I allowed this guy to enter your life for a reason. Are you really ready to meet the right person? Did you even remember the commitment you’ve made? Sometimes, when I say ‘no’, I am not correcting the plan or situation but I am trying to correct you. I will never play with your heart coz I have died for that.”
And God’s peace and wisdom rushed through my heart and soul.
All my life, I’ve been telling God that I am ready. I’ve been telling Him that I am tired of waiting.
But what if it is NOT ME who’s waiting? What if it’s God who is patiently waiting all along for me to be ready?
Paano kung Lord pala ang excited na excited ng ibigay at ipakilala sya pero matiyaga nya pa rin akong hinhintay dahil hindi pa talaga ako handa?
What if I haven’t really learned how to love God wholeheartedly?
What if I haven’t really learned contentment in God alone?
What if I am not yet ready to receive the blessing?
And with my trembling hands and wet eyes, I have decided again to stand up and give back the pen to the greatest Lover of my soul.
And this time, not out of desperation, but out of my desire to love the One who never gets tired of forgiving and loving me.
I have so much to learn in God’s classroom. And even if it’s a learning that could take a lifetime until I meet Him face to face in eternity.. I will choose to be content.
I will choose to hide my heart in Him.
NEXT TIME, BY HIS GRACE.. I WILL PASS THE TEST. 
Matthew 5:3-5 (Paraphrase)
” You’re blessed when you are out of options, and all you can do is lean on God. Because when you realize your need for God, it is only then that you tap into His immeasurable greatness and goodness. You’re blessed when you’ve been stripped of that which is most precious to you. Because only then can you be tenderly embrace by the One most precious to you..”