I have a confession to make.
I have decided to completely ignore your messages and cut off any form of exclusive communication we have; for reasons I have repeatedly already told you before but I couldn’t seem to stick to. It seems that no matter what ‘protecting of my heart and mind’ I do all the while still communicating exclusively with you, I could not help my emotions from getting attached. It’s just the reality of things I have to come to terms with that I wish I realized sooner. But what’s wrong with my emotions getting attached, you might ask. Well for your information, with attachment comes expectations. I hate to doubt you, because I believe you are a good person, but with my expectations not being met I could not help but doubt and entertain resentments in my heart toward you. I can’t of course call it unfaithfulness because wala namang tayo. You never courted me nor even made your intentions clear. There’s just no clarity, only confusion. To be honest, I really regret not listening to the advices of more mature people in my life. I should have done this sooner. Right now my heart is just tired. My mind too. They’re tired of the emotional roller-coaster ride and they scream for freedom. Most importantly, I believe that this is not the kind of story God wants me to have. You see, His Word says He’s not the author of confusion but of order. I don’t believe it’s His will for me to have my mind confused and my heart wounded. I mean, the Son came to bind up the brokenhearted yet here I am with my self-inflicted wounds. I have realized that I am worth pursuing, because God did that for me – He pursued me at my darkest, my ugliest, and my dirtiest state. I see you’re not yet ready at all to do that, and it’s fine.
I’m doing this for me, for my mental health’s sake.
I sincerely hope you mature to the kind of man that God has planned you to be.
