“Morning Love”
This was the last message you’ve sent me. The last message where I still felt the love you once had for me. Or maybe I was wrong. I’d like to ask you about the promises you made. You told me once that you’d stay no matter how hard this would take us. You told me you’d always find a way. You promised to be with me always. And then one day, everything changed. You no longer have that spark in your eyes every time we talk. You don’t wear that smile I usually see whenever you’d call me. I don’t hear the same laughters you had whenever I crack a joke. You suddenly became a stranger to me.
You told me you got tired. You got fed up of everything. You told me I changed. That I wasn’t the way I used to be when you met me. That you got suffocated of all the messages I’ve been sending you everyday. You didn’t like how my feelings have grown for you. You told me it was too much than how it should be.
Ah! Yes! I almost forgot, I was the other girl in the story.
I often wonder, how some women could be so foolish to build a world for them by breaking someone else’s world. I used to ask how it could be for them to be someone’s second choice. And here I am, one of the foolish ones. It took me some time to realize that since then, it wasn’t you, it was me who became a fool for you. And it was those times when I often asked the changes I saw, it was then that you started trying to make things right. For us. For me. You told me you’ve been selfish enough for keeping me with you all this time, knowing you already had her in your life. You told me you needed to end this for me to be able to see myself in someone else’s eyes. That you needed to let go of me because you don’t deserve me. That I deserve to be someone’s priority. Not a choice. Not an option, but someone’s only one. But I did not understand it. I tried to deny it & I still saw myself running towards you. I demanded to know why. I wanted to hear straight from you that you regretted leaving me. But it has been weeks.
Today, I woke up and saw myself in the mirror. I haven’t been myself lately. I don’t listen to the old songs I used to play, I forgot how I used to appreciate the bittersweet taste of my afternoon coffee…I forgot who I was. And that’s when it all came to me. You were right all this time. I was too scared to admit that I have become toxic in some ways. I got lost in the middle of us. I made you my world to the point where I betrayed myself for your happiness. I wanted you to want me in a way that I thought would make me feel whole. But it was all wrong. How could you possibly understand what love is when you can’t even love yourself?
I guess you were right. I needed to accept that some things are never meant to last. Good things don’t always end with happily ever after rather it ends better with goodbyes. You proved forever within a number of days. And maybe that’s how my version of a lifetime will be with you. You didn’t break me. You broke the illusion I made that I can’t make it without you. You wanted me to choose myself first. You wanted me to value myself more so the next time I’d love, I wont settle for anything less just to be happy. I needed to see the bright side of you leaving, so I would be able to set you free, so I could set myself free. I needed to forgive you, for the pain that you have given me when you chose to let go of my hand. I need and want to forgive you so I could forgive myself. And I need to lose you, so I could find myself, whom I lost in the process of loving you.
