… I have imagined this conversation a thousand times that it is old news and yet every time I do, fresh tears still come streaming…
… I have a lot of questions and as I imagine you answer each one of them, the conversation takes unexpected turns, road blocks and eventually dead ends…
… yes I have a lot of questions – I tried to find the answers by revering the past – racking my brains for subtle signs in your actions and words – over analyzing the littlest detail and obsessing over everything as I tried to give my self the closure that I think I needed…
… but then I realized I didn’t need answers to my questions – having the answers won’t give me closure for closure comes from acceptance and acceptance will have to come from within…
… I have accepted the fact that you have moved on away from me but it does not mean it has stopped hurting because the thing about getting your heart broken is that it’s too damn hard to pick up the pieces and put them back together…
…there are times when I thought I have succeeded in putting my heart back together but I guess I did it hastily that everything fell apart again with the slightest reminder of what used to be…
… there are times that I felt at peace – slowly putting back the pieces of my heart then a memory of you would squeeze itself out and dance around my thoughts that I’d stop and abandon the process…
… you have moved on – I honestly gave myself a good crying the day I learned that fact… I allowed my mind to wander dangerous terrains – calculating your every action and again asking why? when? how? who?… when I had felt spent crying, I stopped and prayed…
I prayed to for courage to look not at what was but ahead on what will be… I prayed for strength not to look at you for answers nor at her for the qualities that I seemed to lack… I prayed for guidance to keep my focus on the Lord and find myself in Him…
I am not angry at you – I pray for the best for you in terms of your family, career, service and personal relationship…
… you will always be my friend – I may feel shy and awkward to come up to you and say “hi!” but always know that I always wish you well…
I will always look back at our time together as a beautiful learning experience and I thank God for giving the gift of you – I am sorry for my shortcomings but please know that I loved you the best way I can by the best ways I know how…