Dear Pangga,
(Sorry kung yun pa ren tawag ko. Parang di pa ako sanay or maybe I just can’t bear to call you as plain as M❤❤❤ or T❤❤❤. After all you are my one and only Pangga).
First and foremost…IM SORRY. I am deeply and truly VERY SORRY!
I was a total asshole and a jerk for ignoring and abandoning you…which you totally did not deserve.
I am so sorry I was a selfish freak. There were a lot of things going on in my head that time and a lot of things happening. I was not sure if it was still right or necessary to tell you. Before I was very comfortable tellings things to you but nagkaroon ng mga moments na there are things that may and will eventually affect us, affect how you look, see and take things.
I was a coward bastard. Im afraid of losing people I loved so dearly even you but all the more I was afraid to lose myself… my inner peace.
I decided to be silent and alone. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang iniwasan ko, na ignore ko, naset aside ko…. Lahat sila even my family, M🐻🐼🐻🐨🐻, and my closest friends (even RTF). Though pinagpilitan pa ren nila sarili nila , well most or some of tem, that I led myself with no choice. Nung time na gusto mo akong kausapin at pumunta sa bahay, I was not ready to talk to you and face you. Because I was so afraid to lose you. I felt , the moment we talk, you will ask me to choose or you will bid goodbye to us. Sorry di ko sinabe sayo na I just needed space. I just needed time to be alone. Ayokong makipag usap sayo at makita ka nun kase pinangunahan ako ng takot at kabang mawawala tayo. Feeling ko, nung time na yun, alam ko kapag nakipag usap at nakipagkita ako sayo, mawawala tayo. But when you blocked me sa messenger and unfriended me sa FB, it changed everything. I was so afraid to lose you then pero ang nakakatawa at ang tanga lang kase I ended up losing you anyway. I wasnt brave and strong enough to tell you . And man enough to fight for you, for us…to fight for my love, to our love. But I also thought then and now, it would be very unfair to you that we will keep our relationship but you are always hurting. I will continue to love you and you will continue to love me pero you will be in constant pain, confusion and doubt. You dont deserve that kind of love and you dont deserve a half partner, a deteriorating boyfriend, and a worrying freak who cant give the full time and attention you deserve.
I was a selfish freak that time. I was an asshole and a total jerk. I was a coward bastard. And I am truly and deeply sorry for hurting you, for leaving you without any word, for abandoning you. For not thinking how you were feeling, what was going on your mind and in your heart. What were you going through also, in your work, in your family, while I was being selfish, being an asshole and a jerk. I AM SO SORRY for not thinking about you, for not appreciating you those times, for not being someone to be there for you. Alam ko you also have your own pains, worries, battles and things you are going and thinking through outside our relationship.
I wish one day, I can say this personally sayo. Because you deserve to hear and know the truth. You are worth every reason, explanation and everything happened to me and to us. And you deserve to know that I loved you… I sincerely LOVED YOU. I wasnt ready before I met you to be in a relationship. But there were a lot of signs and indications leading towards you, until I met you, until God gave me you to be my Pangga. Everyone will not understand what Medo and I have. Kahit nga mga close friends and barkada ko di ren maunawaan at matanggap kung anong meron. But honest to goodness, even I swear in Mudra’s grave whatever romantic or sexual feeling between the two of us were have been settled and closed already. We chose to love each other in a different way and M🐻🐼🐻🐼 respected our relationship so much. But I want to thank you for understanding for many times you need to be understanding of what we have with my bestfriend. Thank you for accepting who I was, who I am, the people I loved and cherished. Siguro lang, hindi mo nakayanan ifully embrace kung ano at sino meron ako bago naging tayo. And I dont take it against you. Siguro talagang mahirap at kumplikado nga lang mahalin at tanggapin ang isang taong tulad ko.
I hope I can be a person like you. Easy to love, easy to accept and be liked. Madali at masarap kang mahalin. You will always be my beloved and dearest person to write and to talk about. And for every person I will meet and ask about you, you will always be the story, I’ll love to tell over and over. You will always be someone who added more love and more color in my life. I will cherish and treasure all the days and nights, we spent as if the world was ours, as if we own the world, and we dont care what people will think and say. I will reminisce, recollect and relive every single moment, I had with you. THANK YOU for loving me and THANK YOU for letting me realize that I can still LOVE sincerely and genuinely, again. YOU ARE THE LOVE that will always and will evr have a special place in my heart and in my life.
I wish someday, one great LOVE will find you again. I hope our LOVE has taught you that you deserve to be loved, to be cared and to be cherished. I hope I have shown you, even our love story was short-lived, how to love you sincerely, how to treat you right, how should you be kissed, how much care and protection you should be given, how much you should be appreciated, show you how much you deserve all the love someone can give. And of course, how should you NOT be hurt, NOT be ignored, NOT be unappreciated, NOT be doubting the LOVE you can give and share,
HOW YOU SHOULD NOT BE LEFT BEHIND AND ABANDONED….just like I did.
For the record, I have LOVED you sincerely and WILL ALWAYS LOVE you in a distant and care for you genuinely, but may be in a different way already. Again, I hope I will have a chance someday, one day to tell all these to you personally. And I whole-heartedly meant every words I write and say here.
God bless you more and more…
Success, Love, Best of Health, and every blessings I can think of – You deserve all of it for someone so beautiful, inside out…
I love you always,
Your Padaba
(Even just for one last time)