Maybe I’m beginning to like you a lot,
but I will never pursue you.
Around me, I’m tempted by all these pawns
calling me to use them,
looking me in the eye, saying
maybe you and I can ”accidentally” bump into each other in a coffee shop;
maybe we can schedule “friendly dates” with a bunch of conniving friends;
maybe I can start “innocent” topics with you over that gleaming chat box,
ask you things that no one would brand as bad,
I can even send you “wrong sends.”
But even this early, I realized
that albeit pawns are the most numerous pieces in a game,
at the end of the day,
they are but
the weakest.
Don’t get me wrong –
I want to be with you.
Just to get to know you more,
I am ready to manipulate
so many things –
things I can hide in my heart’s darkest cellars
things you would never have to know
I did.
And I am so sorry
if so many times
I feel terribly inclined to make things happen
in a forced manner
through the methods I uncannily know;
and always try to get in your way
even if most of the time,
it’s way out of mine.
I would never want to know
how it is to look at you
knowing that only my own human hands
engineered the story
we so thoughtlessly call ours.
I choose not to get my hands dirty.
I will not move my cards –
use things, use people
just to get to you.
I will be secure
even if we do not get to be together
as often as I would want us to.
I will be happy
even if we do not get to know each other
as fast as I want us to.
I will not sulk
if I do not get my way
in trying to make way
for us to finally talk.
I choose to be secure
even if such things are way out of my control.
Perhaps my heart will rest more happily
knowing that I have never orchestrated things
by employing selfish methods;
never cheated you
by whispering my own words through other people’s mouths,
never betrayed you
by telling you at the end of the day
that it is I who made everything possible,
that it is I who worked behind the scenes,
that it is I who controlled and manipulated everything
just like some pathetic cheater
in any easy exam.
If anything, maybe I can write these things about you in secret
for now
then just tell you everything (laughingly) in the future.
Plenty of time to bide,
to strive,
to try to improve myself,
become a better woman.
But one thing I’ll never do is pursue you.
I’ll never do the pursuing
the making way
the courting
the getting to know
And the trying to be close to you part.
Because it’s not my part.
I’ll stick to the part that I know –
and that is to keep my heart pure.
So pure
That when love finally finds me
I’ll know that what I have is divine.
My part is to trust God,
to fix my eyes on Him,
to acknowledge His sovereignty in all my life’s areas
I don’t want human hands
Not mine.
Not yours.
I want the only Hands that matter –
His.
That as I wait, He’ll be my only delight
my singular motive,
my one true purpose;
for His will and His person
to become my life’s utmost concern.
I’ll never pursue you or anyone else.
I’ll pursue the One
who loves me best,
knows me best,
and who’s the only authority to deem it best
if ever you are the one
I should have in my life…
Or not.
Until then, I may find myself liking you too much,
but I will never pursue you.
Written by Ann Luna
