I’m sorry if I want to stay.

It started out of curiosity – a mind game. The challenge and the glory of possibly outsmarting a highly intellectual man. I am your critique, just as I have always been your biggest fan. I shouldn’t have dared answering that riddle knowing fully who you are from the very beginning. But stupidity is tempting and so here we are. From strangers to almost to becoming even more estranged. I lost. I failed.

I am proud of you.
Though you always question your worth and always feel inferior despite your successes, struggles and achievements.

I am proud of you.
For always upholding the virtues inculcated by your family. You are an honorable man and you’d be a good father someday. I am sure.

I am proud of you.
For always doing more of what is asked, never taking credits but always going the extra mile to be of service to our fellowmen. You are a role model.

I am proud of you.
You never put yourself over anything else especially over your family and the country. You are a good son to your parents, a good brother, a good leader and a good friend. You are selfless and loving.

I am proud of you.
For having a clear vision of what you genuinely hope for this country. Our motherland found a gem for having a son like you. You are a visionary.

I am proud of the entirety of your existence. You fight for what you believe is right and good. You are dauntless. You are fair. At the same time, gentle.

I am proud.
Just by witnessing what you are made of and knowing who you truly are. I learned a lot.

Thank you for making me want to grow and be better.
Thank you for your high tolerance of my childish behavior.
Thank you for seeing me as a woman of high caliber though I feel like a trash most days of my life. I am nothing. I am no one.
Thank you for listening to my advices sometimes, though, I only know a fraction of the subject matter.
Thank you for allowing me to get to know your family and your vulnerabilities.
Thank you for uplifting me even when we were both at an all time low.
Thank you for showing me the real you. You are humble but you are who you are when you are with me. You are not ashamed but a very attractive whiner. I was never tired of your “rants”. They are music to my ears – a proof that you’re still human.
Thank you, you always listen.
Thank you for finding time to see me, for just spending time with me. I feel it. I am “special”.
Thank you for reciprocating the brutal honesty. You were the first to tell me I am unkind and you made it clear from the start that I am not the one. I can’t fill in the huge hole she left. She is way too perfect whenever you speak of her. Again, I am no one.
Thank you for giving me a vision of the kind of man I will hope to marry and pray for. A man of high caliber just like you.

I wish you all the happiness, you deserve it.
I wish your family good health, peace of mind and good life. May your nephew grow up to be one of the reputable men of your family.
I wish you take work easily and choose to be safe over selfless.
I wish you keep the faith in finding her and to just let go of the pain of the past.
I wish that you appreciate yourself and treat yourself kinder. You are not fat. Always remember that! You are perfect.
I wish you’ll find the kind of love I am ready to give, even more, but in the body of a deserving and untainted woman. You are so worthy.
I wish you nothing but the best. You are amazing.

I’m sorry for hurting you with my feisty words. I have disappointed you in many ways.
I’m sorry for the times I made you feel less of a man.
I’m sorry for being too “brutally honest”. I can’t help it. I am scared and broken.
I’m sorry, I won’t get to see how you prosper in your career and even in your retirement 15 years from now.
I’m sorry, I can’t tell you to exercise caution anymore whenever you singlehandedly take on the “enemies” but I will always pray for your safety.
I’m sorry for adding up to your stressors and burden with my “questions”. I overthink a lot.
I’m sorry, I can’t lend you my strength and comfort you with my listening ears. I know my worth.
I’m sorry, you’ll be losing a coffee buddy and there’ll be no more of barako coffee because…
I’m sorry, I don’t want to be just “special”. I want to be yours and you to be mine.
I want commitment.

But I won’t insist sir. I know where I stand. You made it clear since day one.
I’m sorry, I intentionally paid all my dues even if I wanted to be forever indebted not with cash but with your warm embrace. I will surely miss you. You are important.
I’m sorry, I can’t be contented.
I’m sorry, I can’t be here anymore.
I’m sorry, I gave in too soon. I am not like her.
I’m sorry, I am leaving.
I’m sorry.
I love you.