For over thirteen years that I had my first crush and the idea of romance and relationships, I never really had any chance to experience it. As a child growing up, I really had high hopes for a good guy to come along, a happy ending and its promise of forever. I really had this thoughts in my mind even though my own parents proved me wrong. I kept telling myself before that such thing won’t happen every time. Every person is different from the other. All experiences are never the same situations. I really was hopeful for my own story. Even at such a young age, I have dreams of falling in love and romantic ideas. And that’s maybe why I was never given the chance for it.
In those thirteen years, I had numerous attempts of liking, falling in love and romance. It wasn’t easy. It never really was. I get envious to people around who had their crush crushing on them too, having boyfriends and dating. But then I thought, maybe I was just young. It is not too late in high school is what I keep in mind. Maybe college has better plans for me. Maybe there’s a nicer opportunity in there. But I was wrong too. I have seen my friends made long term relationships already and yet there I was still hoping that there would be a guy that will come along… who will see me differently. All I had was hopes. All I had was wishful thoughts that maybe one day I will have a story of my own – even better than my friends’… even better than of fiction. But I have failed again and again.
All through those years, I have grew to be frustrated. I have grew to doubt my self’s worth. I have lost confidence and a heart. I felt like that the world has turned its back against me. I ended up crying myself to sleep every night with the thought that no one is really there for me. I have developed depression and anxiety. I just want to isolate myself from everything and everyone. How can something I have always longed to have never came to me? How can the only thing I have dreamed and hoped for all of my life can never come true? Why was I always rejected – friend-zoned? Why was it no one ever told me I’m beautiful – likeable? Why was I never liked? It pains me to think all about this stuff. I know it is not healthy to address these issues this way but I cannot help it. I cannot help but feel miserable about myself. And it’s getting worse as days go by. I end up feeling so sad.
Even after all these frustrations I cannot also hide the fact that I still hope. The very idea of falling in love still excites me. Even though I had never experienced romance, I still get excited about having one in the future. Even though I don’t have any confidence in myself, I still dream about that one person who’ll see me differently. Even with all these frustrations and anxiety about my worth as a person I still get giddy about liking a guy even if it always end up the same as the other. I know I’m tired of waiting and hoping for that one person but still I do wait and hope. This is a tiring journey but I cannot help but be optimistic that maybe one day, all of these will be worth it – every little thing I long to have will be worth the wait… that with every heart break I’m a step closer to reaching that one elusive dream – the love of my life.