To my Savior,
When You found me, I was not in the best state, my heart was broken by the passing of my grandfather. I remember clearly, how my heart yearned for a greater purpose, yet I did not know what it is exactly. Every night, during the wake, when the pastor preached about surrender and service, my heart ached so much I always find myself crying in my bed not knowing what I should pray for. I knew I wanted to do something, I have had the feeling that someday my life will change if I do one thing, if I do what my heart yearns at that moment- but I did not know yet what it is, I did not know that I needed saving yet.
That night, I prayed harder, I prayed to You to remove my confusion and make it known to me what it is that you are trying to tell me. Before I could ever understand the beauty of what you are about to give me, You made me trust Your timing. I waited because I know and I believed there is something to unfold before me that would change my life, and true enough, You are a God who listens. Weeks after my grandfather’s funeral, our pastor and his wife came to us, and right there at that moment, You made me understand my state. They shared to me about salvation, about assuring heaven, about You who for so long has been knocking at my heart to let You in, and then I understood why my heart ached at those preachings, why my heart wanted greater purpose, I understood surrender… and so I did. You found me, and all along, in every day of my life before I could ever meet You for the first time as my Lord and Savior, You never went far from me, You stayed near and waited for me, You loved me in my filthy state, You found me though I don’t even know that I was lost, and for the first time, I understood more about unconditional LOVE. I saw my worth in You, I saw my value, my importance in You… You gave me new life and a greater purpose- to live for You.
After years, after all those deliverance from my storms, after You have blessed me with more than I deserve because I do not deserve anything… this was me for the past days… and once again lost and confused. Once again, I am not at my best state, my heart is breaking for something I chose. Once again, my heart is yearning for something and I don’t know what it is… once again I don’t know what exactly it is that I want from You. But I know that my heart is not right for You. I became so insecure about everything that I am, I started comparing myself to other people… my heart is not right. My heart started to beat for someone almost six years ago, and it never stopped to chose him since then. And although he did not replace You, he indeed is taking so much of me, my attention, my thoughts even my assurance of my own worth. I started doubting about what You can do to me because I have been very distant from you these days. I have been so scared that I am way too broken my heart can not be fixed to You again.
My thoughts overwhelmed me so much for the past days that I got so tired and exhausted. I know that when You saved me, You gave me a new heart as what it is written in Ezekiel 36:26. You removed from me the heart of stone and gave me a heart of flesh, that heart is supposed to be sensitive to You and responsive to Your words, but these days, it started getting confused and tired. It became sensitive to myself, I know that the past days, I have been so stubborn and I tried to turn my heart into stone-cold again because it started yearning for someone’s appreciation and attention and it distracts me from serving You. I know you called us not only to love You but to love others like how You love us, but my heart went too far. I know that I am still in this flesh and I am but a human with vulnerabilities and it saddens me that this heart that supposed to beat only for You got broken in my expectation for someone to love me too. I got scared to write my realizations and my made-up mind of letting him go already because I got so scared I might not be able to do it again. I am tired… of feeling so down, I know I should cling to Your words and I did but my heart is indeed not right because these days I have been using You the wrong way, as if You are just a mere lucky charm, I feel like I have been clinging to you these past days because I know You alone have the power to deliver me again from this but what is wrong is that I wanted it right now, instantly, without checking my motive behind it. I know that You know I wanted an escape, I wanted to turn this soft heart into that stone you remove from me long before. I am sinning against You and I am so sorry for the times I used you for my selfish wills.
At this state, in my state, I wanted to be found again, and so I am willing to get my heart broken by You this time and not by someone, not by my own expectation. Because for a moment, I forgot who loved me first when I am so filthy and unpleasant, who directed me when I was lost…for a moment I forgot my worth in You that You took the cross for me to show me that I am valuable, my soul is, and I am worth dying for. For a moment I forgot my greater purpose, to serve You with my right heart. It is hard and I am tired, but it was in this state that you saved me, so I am counting on You again, I want to trust You again, that someday in Your right time, You’ll give me the courage to let go of something, of him, of my expectation and my hopes of him, and give me the wisdom to keep something more important than being appreciated and loved by the other person- but to be able to LOVE correctly with all the pieces of my broken heart; to be able to use this heart for the better endeavor, to something that will glorify You. You spared me from hell and You are the greatest gift I have ever received, and if You have done such great things, what can’t You do?
Thank you for letting my heart have this breaking, this need of letting go because now I did not just learn surrender and service but also sacrifice- if there is one thing this breaking taught me, it is not only the redirection but also the sacrificing, I have understood sacrifice now that I have to do it too by letting go of that love I have felt for him for six years, without being reciprocated, knowing this time You will be the one who will fix me again. Maybe the reason why You let my heart break a little more this time, that it has created a greater hole, is because You have something greater for me too, and in order for me to handle it, I needed to have this breaking.
To my Savior, it is hard to thank you in the midst of my sadness but thank you for letting me see myself again in You, thank you that just like the first time I opened my heart for You, You let me see my state in front of You, of how I am nothing if without You. Thank you for letting me see myself like that again this time, for letting me realize my worth in You and I needed saving again- not from hell anymore, but from the confusion of my own heart.
You never gave me a song I cannot use for my life, the one written by Civilla D. Martin that Sunday when she was sick she cannot accompany her husband to preach in a congregation making her husband wants to cancel his opportunity to preach to people, then her son told his dad ‘Father, don’t you think that if God wants you to preach today, He will take care of mother while you are away?’, indeed because of his father’s obedience to God, Mrs. Martin became better that afternoon. The hymn says, “God will take care of you thru everyday, or o’er all the way. He will take care of you. God will take care of you.”, life is never easy be it a to a Christian or not, and I know that there will still be heartaches to come, more confusion to come, but thank you, my Savior, You saved me, now at least I have the confidence to surrender, the joy to serve, and the courage to sacrifice because I know God will take care of me. Tomorrow, I might still feel down and maybe even the day after next, it will be hard for me again but I want to be brave this time because I know nothing is too hard for You.
Love,
The one out of the ninety-nine.