When I was a teenager I was so playful and outgoing. I simply just want to be loved of the people around me. I never dream to be a Pastor’s wife di nga nagagawi ko sa utak ko yun. But when God changed my heart and my life, I promised to the Lord na mag seserve ako sakaniya because He gave me another chance to live. So iyun kasama na din binago ni Lord ung perception ko when it comes to relationship. Dati ang gusto ko lang basta Christian, but I have this desire to have a partner na Pastor. Nag share ako sa mga friends ko na gusto ko ng Pastor natawa silang lahat sabi nila totoo ba yan? Calling din yan, sure ka ba? Nagkaroon tuloy ako ng thinking na totoo nga bang gusto ko talaga ng Pastor? Baka naman trip ko lang to ah bigla lang sumagi sa utak ko. Hangga’t sa nag pray na ko kung may ibibigay ba talaga si Lord sakin.
Isang araw may nakilala akong Pastor sa isang young adult retreat. Single and intelligent siya nag pray ako and I asked God kung ito na ba yun? I prayed for him,like this ”Lord, if it is your will ikaw Lord ang gagawa ng paraan na magkaroon kami ng communication hangga’t sa dumating yung time na nagkaroon kami ng communication and I think it is a yes na to God. But I continue to pray pa din my mom is so strict when it comes to my lovelife so I prayed na kung gugustuhin siya ni mama maybe he’s the one. And one day my mom asked me sino kausap ko sa phone and I told her na si Pastor ang kausap ko at di siya nagalit and she said “bagay kayo nun”. I was shocked and didn’t expect her answer and for me it’s a second yes from God. Along the way I assumed that the Pastor is also into me but di nagtagal naging matumal communication namin at halos mawala na. Pero minsan nagchat siya asking me “Kailan ako luluwas sa Manila” And that time it gives me hope and nagpalito sakin. And I cried, every night asking God to stop liking him. Ang hirap pala na puso at utak ang nagtalo ang hirap labanan. I cried kasi nahihirapan ako sa sitwasyon na gusto ko siya pero sabi ng utak na huwag. And finally nagkita kami and he said “friends only”. It breaks my heart kasi I assumed not on him but I assumed on my prayers that it was already the answer. It was all misunderstanding and I misinterpreted all of his actions and words. I realized na hindi ko pa siya ganun kakilala and ganun pala siya sa lahat he treats other woman as he treated me. And then again I asked God is this your answer to me na hindi ako pwede maging Pastor’s wife because of my attitude. I’m not mahinhin kasi and honestly hindi acts of service ang love language ko na sabi nila one of the attitude na meron ang Pastor’s wife. But the good thing about that heart break was I learned my lesson that “pray as you pray for God’s will not on your own will”. Huwag mo dikatahan si Lord sa gagawin niya sayo. Let Him do it for you. It was painful kasi pinangunahan ko si Lord sa will niya para sakin. I let my emotions go on my way. And I learned to always pray for God’s guidance and wisdom. And don’t assume anything for a guy na walang clarification from the start. I was thankful to that situation of my life because I realized that God is working in my life that despite the pain and trials He embraced me with love and grace. Mas lalo kong na feel na love ako ni Lord. My conclusion is nandun pa din sa heart ko na gusto ko pa din maging Pastor’s wife. But the lesson is I want to obey God kung anong will niya sakin to be a Pastor’s wife o hindi. As of now I want to prepare myself for another battle of waiting. May mga bagay pa kong kailangan isurrender kay Lord at ipaayos. Lord I want to be the right one for my future husband I want to be a blessing to him not a burden. I want to be his partner in the ministry and not a disturbance. So I prayed to the Lord to prepare me for a big responsibility that is coming my way. And to my future I want to support him sa lahat ng gusto niyang gawin I want to love him and understand him every day. Lord, I am very willing to accept your lessons and change for a better me and for the best you reserve for me. AMEN
