Not everything you feel has a name— and that’s okay. You are going to miss someone who was an almost to you and it is such a desolately thought knowing that there is no such right name or term for that feeling.
One day, life will surprise you. Life make you realize that afterall these years, the high walls you’ve built will eventually shaken up and it will remind you that at one point, there are certain people who can bring it down in just a matter of time— and that’s frightening, yes. Frightening thought that turns into reality because you know that deep down those walls is your heart embedded with ice and fire at the same time. The kind of heart that’s brave but not strong enough to be left out again.
Despite the fact of that scary feeling, our heart’s still gets in. Slowly, those walls you’ve built up are the same walls you are willing to let down piece by piece, bricks by bricks and look at you, you are slowly going out of that cage you’ve been in because you are afraid of feeling things again— but this time, you are now taking your risks.
And as days goes by, that risk turns out to happiness. Happiness that you never thought will find you, happiness that you want to deny at times, happiness everytime you see their name appearing on your phone. Happiness that you can feel straight into your soul when you look into their eyes, when you hear their voice. You may not know what kind of happiness is this but simply, it is what you exactly need and little by little, it is what makes you feel alive.
You spent countless nights talking about why they ended up choosing that profession, that hobby, that movie, that netflix series. You slowly get to know them. The way they like their coffee, the way they make such dumb jokes, their favorite emojis and expressions, their favorite food, their choice of work shirts and shoes, what makes their mood change, how “reckless” and a “good singer” they are while driving, how good listener they are when you keep on ranting on random things, and how they made you feel comfortable for who you are that you don’t even need to pretend someone you are not, you don’t even need to tie your hair up just to look nice, that you don’t even need that proper composure when you feel excited or annoyed because simply, they accept your imperfections and flaws and it doesn’t matter.
You may never know where this happiness will lead you but you want to hold it tighter. You may miss those times of having dinner together, parking on the road side just to appreciate the view of the cliff and the clouds, the random long drive, and those here-is-what-i-am-doing-photos. The confusion, hesitations and doubts gets in the way but the risk is even greater, the feeling is even bigger— but we cannot stay with what can never be. So, the universe came by and swiftly took them away. Without any proper goodbyes, farewells. Maybe that’s all we’ll ever be— an incomplete sentence, a half-written story, finished without an ending. And it’s okay, people do comeback and most of the time, in a form of memories and photographs.
That’s what we’re left with.