Pain Took It Away

I thought it was impossible.To feel nothing at all.Until it hit me.Six years of being single gave me a lot of time to think and save all the love that I could give to the right person who will finally be worthy of it. Then this guy came into my life (not literally), thousands of miles away from me. It was a good memory to visit. With him, I felt the love that I longed for so long. The butterflies, the overflowing of love and the excitement.At first I thought, it was gonna last. I saw my future with him. I saw a broken man and wanted to fix him. That’s when everything crumbled down.Trying to fix him, I destroyed myself. I gave him all the time, love and understanding. While trying to fill his cup, I emptied mine. I know, it’s all my fault. He never asked me to do those things. It’s me, I got overwhelmed with the idea of our long-distance relationship.After we decided to end up our relationship, my world fell apart. For months I’m still hoping for us to get back together. I cried for the nights and days that go by without him.It hurts so much that one day, I just stopped crying and felt nothing.I knew I was suppressing all those emotions. I got tired of crying and decided to stop myself. That even though I wanted to, I try so hard not to. But it became a lot more painful than I thought it would be.It was the despair and loneliness that pushed me to do things I never thought I’d do. Meeting guys and doing things with them. A deed just to validate me again, me as a woman. I thought that by fooling around, I’ll be able to forget about the pain. But it didn’t. It just led me to another level of pain.The pain of losing my self-worth.The pain of losing my identity.The pain of losing my self-love.The pain of losing my feelings.Pain took it away.The unending pain that those guys gave me, physically and emotionally, led me to become a numb person.Someone who doesn’t feel extreme happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, and fear. Someone who is ready to take her own life any minute of her miserable life.