(PART TWO)
First, I was an introvert a long time ago, before I knew what it was called. I remember my senior years, when I preferred to watch my classmates ruin the classroom’s blackboard (well its green thou) with their stupid thing they called artwork. I’m just listening to the group of “aces and gals” talk about the new girl of Troy Bolton’s ego look-alike.I just quietly stared at the clouds from my side chair, staring at tiny people walking and running to their destinations. I am enjoying my view from the third floor of the building, wondering what people are thinking while passing on that street based only on the way they walk and their facial expressions, and wondering where they are going. I enjoyed my little spot in that crowded room, with all the glimpses of wandering and the nostalgic glaze of pinkish clouds on my sun-kissed cheeks.
I remember a time that I just stared at one of my classmates back then, and I wondered how good she is—she’s top of the class, pretty, and a well-spoken lady in terms of public speaking. How does she manage to be that good and know how to be amazingly perfect at what she is doing?
Oftentimes, I question myself: Why are those people already winners? Why is that person already a leader at such a young age? Why did that person have such extreme success with his life?
And why is this me, working hard, passionately, and diligently, still here? continuously stepping forward yet still having no recognition? Why am I dealing with my life like it’s an arduous task?
After reminiscing about my high school life, I looked in the mirror and asked myself, “How about you? Do you remember what you wanted to do? I just wonder why I am still not in the position that I was aiming for about 5 years ago. And I totally wonder why I am still in the same position five years later.
WHY?
I might not be sure how to answer all of my unsolved thoughts; hence, I deeply realized that how can I answer those if I am not aware of what they are implying?
Yet one thing is for sure: My unsolved thoughts are telling me something about myself. Gradual identification reveals life’s inexplicable meaning. Being aware and conscious of everything, including problems and challenges.
When looking out at myself, I am in auto-tune survival mode; everything just repeats itself with a calculated beginning and end while expecting different results. I always procrastinate the exciting moments in my life. It’s keeping me waiting for a lifetime opportunity in standby mode.
Things have not been so colorful this past year; all things are white, gray, and black.
Realizing how much darker all the shades of gray are brings me back to my unresolved thoughts of looking at the side of where I am standing, which gives me chills and excitement because of how a rainbow can be so colorfully bright and shine on the other side.
How exciting!
How exciting to stand on the ground full of the brightest colors of the rainbow! Yet, I am terrified of taking the first step out of my gray zone.
The moment I realized I was afraid of moving my feet and stepping out of my dark zone.
I concluded that my unresolved thoughts were telling me that I was a terrified little girl. These are so cliché; however, they give me a vibe of excitement without knowing how I am going to start to create my own brightest rainbow.
Then now, I start to identify my resources. Determine what I needed to do
And it goes like this.
Go somewhere that reminds you of your biggest dreams, the ones that brightened your young eyes, filled your heart to the brim with passion and excitement. Remember those dreams?
Go somewhere that inspires you. Bring your inner child, innocently pursuing what she wanted to do.
Go to a certain place that smells like aromatic beans of coffee with sweet delights.
Go to a place where you can hear music around every corner, that chills deep into your bones and dances your spirit of freedom.
Go to a place where the walls are painted with visions of paradise, and masterpieces of creativity.
Do something that causes your heart to race and your veins to swell. Go somewhere that gives you chills.
Love, LaMae
