For years, I was living a life where I know within myself is right. With all the things that happened to me, I have learned a lot about trust, betrayal, moving on, forgiveness, maturity, and all the possible things that a grown-up person must learn. I thought I know myself very well— that I can make good choices and rely on them, that I can trust my own timeline, abilities, knowledge and almost everything else.
I am a person who grew up groomed in church activities. My father’s family are all Christian and they are all serving the Lord since the beginning. From being a Sunday schooler to being the Sunday school teacher to being a Youth Leader and in due course, lost my way because I was wrapped by the responsibilities and freedom of being an adult— profession, demand of work, career development, circle of friends, hang outs and anything I enjoyed doing. I can really admit that I have been lost, not for a while, but for years. I cannot even remember when was the last time I opened my bible, when was the last time I prayed, went to church and hear God’s word, when was the last time I remembered God.
And that day happened, I woke up and it felt like everything is chaos and mess. And all I can do is cry and eventually, a voice within my mind was whispering that I should finally submit. It hit me with a trembling feeling that God wants me to surrender for good. Flashbacks of my ministry life kept going inside my head, the taste of how it felt being in the service of the Lord. I can hear those moments when I used to play guitar during worship services, lead church group prayers. I don’t know how but that moment, I saw myself during my younger years as if I had a time travel. God reminded me that all these times, He never even forget me— not even a second, a day and neither a moment.
And that is where I had a change of heart.
God made me realize that whatever path I detour myself, whatever road I took all these years, He will surely seek the ends of the earth to find His lost daughter. I feel so ashamed and disgusted. I felt like I woke up from a deep slumber of sleep and suddenly remember who I am— that I am redeemed in such a great price, I am created to be more than a conqueror, I am crafted in the likeness of God with a purpose of serving, praising and glorifying Him. In a moment I closed my eyes and God made all these flashbacks, these past visions to remind that I am His.
I fell facedown and I cannot even say a word but sorry. I cried deeply because I have been breaking God’s heart for so long by making Him wait. I have been breaking God’s heart for years for not acknowledging His presence in my life. I have been breaking God’s heart by prioritizing other things than Him, I have been breaking His heart all these time for not obeying His words, His commandments. I have been breaking His heart and I am not even sorry for it for years and yet He is still blessing me— and this thought broke my heart so much. This thought tore my heart apart. I am not even worthy of another chance, but God is a forgiving God. God is a merciful God. He is a God of chances, after chances, after chances.
There is a longing that He can only fill. God knows what kind of love we need, and He wants us to know it starts with Him. That moment, that day of extraordinary moment with God, I felt that I am a completely different person, as if all my perception and ways and views of life and everything else changed in a snap of finger. God created this huge, wonderful universe in six days, and He can surely change a man’s heart in a brief moment.
What I realize is God will never ever give up on us. He will never get tired of reaching out to us even if we have been rejecting Him, even if we have been focused on earthly things and to all the pleasures this sinful life can offer. God does not want us to be lost, be misled, be confused of the ways of this world. God doesn’t mind where we wander all these years, what we have done, all that matters to Him is we come home, come home to the only love that knows us by name. The radical love that is overflowing with hope, with joy, with promises.
So return again, and again, and again until you are home; until your heart is full, and the tears have been wiped away. Return to the only Love that knows you by name, thousand of years ago, before you are even knitted in your mother’s womb. Return to the One Love who calls you His “Beloved.”