I am that person, the one who was not allowed to go out with my friends too late because of school, the one who had medals every after school year, the one teachers admire, the one who finished up projects on time, the one who chose to train chess rather than drinking and hanging out with my friends, the one who spent summer taking up workshops for journalism rather than taking a vacation. I was smart, on top, and a favorite. I used to.
The more I grew up, the more I saw and became aware of the world, the reality, and myself. The more I knew, the less I wanted. First year of college. For the first time in my entire life, I have failed, because I played too much. Yep, you read it right. When I realize I wasn’t really the hanging out type of girl, I found a whole new world in playing games. with my friends, or alone. I started to choose overnight gaming over overnight reviews. I started going out and finding happiness. I did everything I can do, I drank (didn’t like it), got wild, flirted and broke, I loved, I fucking traveled alone, and it was all worth it.
I failed my subjects, but I wasn’t sad, and it’s weird, because all my life, the only thing that scares me, is an F on my grade, and now it’s not. I changed perspective, now I am more afraid of dying with regrets of not living my life the way I wanted it. My parents weren’t happy tho, and It kinda made me guilty. I mean, I am proud of everything I have achieved, and I understand how people around us pressure us to do best, because and these times, money actually kinda makes the world go round, if you are going to let it control you. But let me tell you, there is a difference between living your life and destroying it, and I am not destroying mine just because I have failed expectations. I have my choices, and I choose to be happy.
I knew my purpose, I knew what I wanted to do, but they said, it wasn’t practical, and they locked me up into this circle where the only thing I needed to do was to study, pass, get a job, and earn a freaking amount of money. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to study deep math, I wanted to study people, how they live, how simple they are, how some people living in worst situations become happier than most of successful people. That is what we live for, the secret to success: satisfaction and happiness. We we’re driven by this expectation around us. Blinded by greed of being on top, drinking overpriced coffees, driving expensive cars and living in mansions with swimming pools. I don’t want those, and it exhausts me, how people are making me want to achieve that, when I don’t want to. Because all I ever want is to live, and be able to provide or give back, I love coffees, but a 7 pesos worth of 3 in 1 coffee can still give me the pleasure if drinking it, a regular car can still take me to places I wanted to go and a small house can still be called home.
Of course I want to study, not math, but everything that interests me, animals, life or people. I want to pass, yes I do, and earn a degree that i will be able to use. I want a job, something I am happy doing, not because it pays six digit salary. I never failed. I just failed their expectations. Because everything doesn’t matter. Labels doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, when we’re on our deathbeds, our achievements wouldn’t matter, our jobs wouldn’t matter. It will all come down to whether we lived our lives happily and satisfied or not. That is our happily ever after. The moments, the memories, the games, the laughter, the people you had, the heartbreaks, the crazy and wild adventures, the moment you passed the subject you failed twice, and a lot more. All those. Because a lot of people exist, but not everyone truly lives.
PS: I am not tolerating laziness or failures. I am not saying that it is okay not to study. My point here is, you don’t have to be on top be successful, and it is totally okay to fail as long as you try and you are passionate about it. Live your life the way you want it, spend time with your friends, go out, party, do whatever the hell you want, but stay on track, and know your limitations. Stay happy everyone.