I was peacefully scrolling through my laptop when i stumbled upon an untitled folder. I got curious so i checked what’s in it. My pupils suddenly got dilated to my surprise. Haha i kinda found that funny, until… I found my unsent letters for you.
Memories came rushing in as i read the letters.
“I am over him”
“Did i really write that? Good thing, i did not send these haha”
“He really had the guts to dump me?!”
“Kapal ng mukha niya!”
These are the thoughts that started circulating in my mind. Well yes, i am finally over him. But, i can still remember the feeling of what it was like to be hurt. I remember the pain behind every word that came out of me before. I felt an itch in my heart that’s waiting to be scratched.
And then, there was me, lying in my bed, inside my cold, dark, quiet room, hearing only the sound of a sad song playing through my earphones. Letting every single lyric penetrate all the barriers inside my body. Allowing them to flow through my veins, bringing them to my heart, lungs, back to the heart, and finally pumped through my aorta distributing all throughout my hurting body. Soaking and drenching my every organ with all the residual feelings inside of me.
And it lasted for an hour or two, until my eyes started to feel heavy. As i closed my lids, i knew that i’m done. And then i woke up the next morning, feeling anew, like nothing happened the night before. It only exists between me and my four-sided room.
Healing is not linear. It will never be. One day, you’re happy and may then be followed by the world crashing down before you. And the cycle repeats.
I learned not to suppress my feelings. To let myself feel all the feels, to be sad when it’s sad, to feel hurt when i’m hurt.
Because the only way to witness the light at the end of the tunnel, is through the long, dark tunnel. The only way get ahead of the bumpy road, is through the sickening, bumpy road. It may be hard and disheartening.
But the only way is through.
I know eventually, i’ll be touched by the warmth of the light by the end of this cold dark tunnel. I know that i won’t be shaken by the bumps of this road anymore. I know that this will all end. Trust me, it gets better.
Then maybe i’ll feel whole, again ✨