I remember asking you one time
Would it rather you met me?
Or would you rather not?
Your answer held no importance here, not because it isn’t important– because it is, for me it is, more than you’ll ever know-but because I wouldn’t really know if you answered it without any thought, like someone nodding and agreeing without any idea what the person in front of them is talking about.
Or if you were as serious as I were, when I asked that.
But then at the back of my mind I asked the same question
Would it rather I met you
Or would I rather not?
But then the thought not having the chance to meet you brought an immense pain in my heart.
More than the pain I felt the day I realized I have fallen in love with you knowing and certain you won’t feel the same way.
Contrary to what you may have thought I knew it. I knew it all along. I knew it wouldn’t have a chance. I knew it would never happen.
We can’t happen.
And that’s when the problem arise.
You see when you love someone and that someone doesn’t feel the same way about you, you will have this desire, the need to leave before it consumes you, before your feelings take everything that’s important to you.
Like the flame ruining everything you hold dear and you can only stand in the corner and watch it all turn to dust.
Leave.
Forget.
Move on.
Because you can’t if you stay.
But the problem is that I don’t really know how to leave.
Pray tell me, how to leave someone that’s important to you?
How do you leave someone just like that, turning your back and never look back?
I would never know because I am used to people leaving me and not the other way around.
You begged and my resolve faltered.
I left and came back.
No one can get out of the loop because it became a cycle.
Over and over again.
People shouldn’t really make a decision when they’re sad for it’ll cloud their judgment and could never come up with a concrete one.
And people should never really say things when they’re mad for they can never take back what they already uttered.
Those are the things I realized the hard way.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to go when I had to.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I have to put everything on your shoulder when it was my issue.
I am the one with issues.
I’m sorry that I forced myself in you because frankly, I have no idea.
I have always prided myself that I don’t and will never force myself to anyone.
I guess I did when you told me that.
Thank you. It was the slap I needed so badly. Now I realized and see things clearly.
If there’s one thing I’m not sorry, it’s the way I feel about you.
Not that. And never that. I would never say sorry for something I feel.
It’s better this way. You did the right thing.
So don’t blame yourself.
We are both at fault. And one should acknowledge their fault.
Let’s stop the blame game.
But you know what?
After everything that happened I’m still glad I met you. And I would rather we met than not.
That was my last message I know you didn’t read that.