To the lost piece of my soul. To the lost piece of who I am.
I had nothing but the keen eye for someone who is there for me, to love me for me no IFs no BUTs. I have the tendency (well it is how I really am) to pour my heart out like as if you’re my last and I did.
As I look back, some of the most amazing, thrilling and life changing events that took place in our lives, we we’re both there for each other.
There will always be a smile on my face whenever I dive into these memories. We were so sure about what was ahead of us and that we weren’t afraid of it or if we may be afraid of it, we can be terrified together. I know it’s cliché to say that once you’ve open up your whole heart and your whole self to someone It’s forever.
You were my home, my one piece of heaven on earth. You were my sanity in this crazy chaotic world. It’s like thinking about not being with you is almost so impossible.
Days, weeks, months, years.
I can’t even count the days because even at times where everything makes no sense to me, you’re the reason that keeps my chin held up high that’s there to remind me that I’m a tough bitch. I know it’s funny but it’s true.
I had also had this grand idea of starting out our lives together someday. I feel giddy just thinking about it. My heart did not tire yearning for you every beat, every time I breathe.
Sure there were times where I find it difficult to find a reason to keep fighting but even then I was still there. Even at my weakest and lowest of low times even when I can’t even get my shit together I was still there. Even at times where I can’t even be there for ‘me’.
It was never all butterflies and kisses and shots of fire cracker like feeling. Dark days, resentment and anger. It was all a part of it and I admit I wasn’t as good nor perfect each time we go through things that we might not agree on.
But we’ve always made up. We always did. It pains me to see how my dreams and this growing feeling of numbness take over my whole heart. This blanket of coldness that I kept hidden and shoved under the rug until I can’t fight it no more.
Loving you meant the world to me.. and yet I lost myself in it.
Losing yourself to someone can be both amazing and terrifying.
Why?
You’ll never know when will you get yourself back.
You cannot be selfless to someone and be selfish to yourself.
You cannot give something if you’re all out. If YOU are all out.
It’s unfair, selfish and hurtful to go on and try to find pieces of yourself stringed along the way when you can’t even remember what it felt like to be you anymore.
You’ve made it to a point where you make someone whole but you’re not. That the very meaning of fighting for it meant that you’re you’re giving up on yourself.
A lot of people told me I was a fool to finally make this decision but it took every ounce of courage I have in me to do it. I was so terrified of being alone that the what IFs only increased and has turned into this sick and heavy feeling inside of me had finally pushed on the last of what remained from the walls I have built to contain it.
I felt like something inside of me just died that day. My soul mourns and screams to losing its half. But it’s cruel to go on and stay when you’ve got nothing for yourself and nothing to give. You saved me so many times even saved me from myself when I felt like breaking down but how can we have that If I don’t have any of myself left?
There was so much I wish I could’ve said but it wasn’t easy.
You are a part of me the part of the whole me, a part of who I am now.
It’s never easy to let go of the person you love. I will always love you, you’ll always hold a special place in my heart.
I can never unlove you.
Maybe we just need time to grow apart. Gather and discover things alone so we can be whole. I don’t know what the future holds for the both of us pero in that distant or near future, if we cross paths or decide to cross paths and I know we will know it because once we’re whole we will just feel it.
Maybe we can be whole on our own.
Or
Maybe someone along the way can make us whole and pour out something even more into our lives.
There are no shortcuts into moving forward but there is only one thing that will remain uncertain. Time.
Time can only tell whether or not we have finally moved past everything.
And that maybe when that time comes, I wish nothing but love and happiness be poured into your life.
And that “You” the lost piece of myself the lost piece of my soul can finally be happy.
Till then,
