To the Man I Almost Surrendered Myself To
I was in the most depressed state of my adult life when I met you. Most of all, it was the time that I struggled with my faith and rebelled against God. I was not that interested during your first few attempts to have conversation with me, but when you started to tell me about the books you’ve read, many things about Science and your obsession with Stephen Hawking, I was like, “Wow, this is something!”Our short conversations of “Hi, hello, how’s your day?” turned into hours of deep and serious topics about life.
I fell for you later on then got so afraid because I told myself that maybe I was just so depressed that I see you as someone who can crack the simplest joke but can make me laugh out so loud. I believe that it was not love that I felt, it was just some sort of infatuation. You wanted more but I can’t so I blocked you for the first time.
Days passed, I was back to my depressed state but this time it got worst. I miss you so bad that I even cried. I unblocked you and told you that I missed you. You were so glad and at this point you became so honest with me. You shared your story, especially the ugliest part of you. For some reasons I started to open up to you as well, about my depression, fears, my ugly past and my future dreams. Somewhere along the way there were things (principles, beliefs and values) that we did not agree upon, we debated and argued over it. In the end, you decided that we stop communicating why we are still friends. You said that you don’t want our differences to be the reason that we will hate each other, therefore the only way we can work is that either of us will give in or we meet in the middle and come up with a compromise. I did not agree with you, so for the second time I stopped communicating.
After a month I received a text message from you saying, “How about lunch after attending Sunday service in your church tomorrow?”It was a total shock for me because you never wanted to go to church with me before. I replied, “How about no?” You persisted, I eventually gave in. In the end we decided to have coffee on the afternoon of that same day. We started at 6 PM and went home at 1 AM, we were so happy and it seems that nothing happened, like there are no opposing principles between us.
That one meeting leads to some more. One time we ended at your place, in your bed. I was so nervous, you were so calm I was trembling, you were so encouraging. I vividly remember I kept on saying that what we were doing and about to do is a big mistake that we will soon regret but we continued anyway. I was silent for a while and you looked into my eyes and you asked me, “Are you sure about this?” “Do you want me to stop?”With a pleading eyes I said, “Please stop. I cannot do this.”You really stopped and you just hugged me.
I decided not to talk to you anymore after that but you kept on bugging me and you wanted to see me again. I’m determined this time not to see you anymore so I blocked you in all my social media accounts, then I changed my number. Until now, I really try my best for our paths not to cross again.
If ever it happened that you will read this, please know that I still have so many what ifs and endless whys in my head. It was one of my greatest lessons about love and faith. I am so grateful that we did not do it all the way. I am now in the process of healing and forgiving myself. I am doing it right with God this time. I am starting to live my life with purpose and trying my best to rebuild myself. Thanks for the lessons! I pray that one day you come to know Christ as well because only then you will understand why I strongly hold on to the values I believe in.
Praying for you,
Maven