This is for you, JRC.
This may come across as a “sadboi story”, but hear me out. Nagpa consult ako sa psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Umiinom ako ng antidepressant, nilalabanan ko yung negative thoughts na pumapasok sa isip ko and my uncontrollable bursts of emotion. Alam mo, sinusubukan ko naman maging okay eh kahit masakit yung rejection mo. Actually, tanggap ko naman na ayaw mo na. Okay lang yun sakin. Pero, the way you handled the situation after you rejected me, hindi ko kinakaya. Hindi ko matanggap.
Una, hinihiling ko lang na sana magkausap tayo ng personal for the last time, kasi may mga gusto pa akong sabihin sayo at makapag-paalam ako sayo ng maayos. Importante yun sakin eh. Importante ka sakin kasi may pinagsamahan tayo. Di ko lang matanggap na bakit ang hirap sayo na pagbigyan ako sa huling hiling ko. Alam ko, nahihiya ka sakin at sa sarili mo. Or feeling mo hahagulgol ako sa harap mo at magmamaka-awa sayo na bigyan mo ko ng second chance, tapos tatanggapin mo dahil naawa ka sakin. No, hindi ko gagawin yun. I know nagbigay ka naman ng reasons mo through chat kung bakit ayaw mo na, nawalan ka ng gana and all. Initially parang nagulat ako kasi biglaan pero eventually natanggap ko naman. Gusto ko lang talaga magpaalam ng maayos in person bilang manliligaw para kahit papano ma-maintain parin yung friendship natin at walang hard feelings, galit, or inis. Yun lang gusto ko. Ang sagot mo sakin “Tama na. Please let me go. Mahirap ba? Di naman naging tayo so don’t act na parang naging tayo.”… But does that even matter? Naging tayo man or hindi, siguro naman deserve ko yung proper and decent closure at usapang personal. Hindi yung sa chat lang kasi it feels wrong na dun ko lang makukuha yung closure that I really needed to hear from you. I felt na you just bailed out on me ng ganun-ganun lang. Na parang iniwan mo ko sa ere. Na parang wala lang sayo yung pinagsamahan natin, na wala kang pakialam sa mararamdaman ko. And honestly that’s how I felt. Sobrang sakit nun sa totoo lang. Sobrang sagad na sakit. Dun ako nagsimulang mag mental and emotional breakdown araw-araw.
Pangalawa, yung pagkakamali ko naman. That’s the reason kung bakit patuloy kitang kinukulit, yung ate mo, friends mo and malalapit sayo. Ayoko sanang gawin yan, yung mandamay ng iba, pigil na pigil akong gawin yan, pero patuloy mo kong tinutulak palayo. You blocked me on all platforms, you constantly ignored my messages and you left me with no choice. Ginawa ko parin kahit alam kong mali. Hindi ko inakalang magagawa ko yun, that’s out of my character. But that’s the only way I can think of to make sure na makita mo yung side ko and maintindihan mo kung saan ako nanggagaling. Kung iniisip mo na ginamit lang kita in order to achieve some evil plan, nagkakamali ka. I really developed genuine feelings for you. Alam kong hindi ka pa ready, you want to take things slow, pero naging clear yung intention ko right from the moment na you asked me nung nakauwi tayo galing Intramuros. You just didn’t like my approach and sinubukan ko naman mag adjust sa gusto mo. I admit, mali yung ginawa ko. But what can I do? Alam kong hindi ko kakayanin na ganun nalang tayo magtatapos, so nilaban ko parin ng nilaban hanggang sa magmukha na kong tanga. That’s just who I am. I respect your decision na ayaw mo na. I was just hoping na irespect mo din yung wish ko na magkita tayo for the last time. But you failed to grant me that.
Ngayon, yung sa part mo, okay na ko dun. Pinapatawad na kita kahit hindi ka magsorry. As for me, I’m really, really sorry. I’m asking for your forgiveness. I need your forgiveness para makatulong sa pagheal ko. Sana mapatawad mo ako kahit hindi muna ngayon, but some other time in the future. Yun lang makakapag-pagaan ng loob ko and bigat ng nararamdaman ko. Nafall ako sayo ng sobra, I even choose to stay sa TMC kahit sukang suka na ko magwork sa ospital na yan, para lang makita kitang tumagal dun at maging proud ako sayo, kasi may gusto kang patunayan sa sarili mo at sa ibang tao, na hindi ka “hanggang dito lang”. I sacrificed my chances to get into a better company with better career growth, because witnessing you realize your full potential in that hospital is much more important to me. But the moment na nagdecide ako magtake ng isa pang risk, little did I know na yun din pala yung moment na nagdecide kang ayaw mo na, na gusto mo na bitawan kung ano man namamagitan sating dalawa. Hindi na pala tayo parehas ng tinatapakan. Sorry kung napressure kita at masyado kang nabilisan. Mali ko din, and I felt sorry for myself kasi hindi mo pala kayang ibalik sakin yung intensity ng feelings ko at hindi ko nagawang bantayan yung puso ko.
Lastly, I want to thank you. Sobrang sobrang thank you. Hindi ako nagsisi na nakilala kita. Nakita mo sakin yung mga good qualities na hindi ko nakikita sa sarili ko. You are the one person that I really felt most emotionally connected to. You gave me the greatest gift of all, the gift of emotional connection. Hindi ako nagseseryoso, alam mo yan, puro ako laro, fling, hook-up. Pero nung nakilala kita, it feels as if we are soulmates, na parang matagal na nating hinihintay na dumating tayo sa buhay ng isa’t isa. I know you feel the same way too. Kaya ako nagdecide na ligawan ka. After everything I’ve been through, akala ko finally ikaw na yung blessing ko, hindi pala. Turns out, you were just another person na dumating sa buhay ko to teach me a valuable lesson. Ako naman, dumagdag lang ako sa mga burdens and battles na dinadala mo, I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry for being a toxic person. Di ako sure kung thankful ka ba talaga na nakilala mo ko hahaha sabi mo nagsisisi ka eh 😂.
Anyway, thank you sa lahat. Sa 2 months worth of memories. Sa lahat ng dates, from Intramuros, Antipolo, attending mass sa church and everything in between. For opening up and sharing your life and struggles with me (biggest factor kung bakit sobrang nafall ako sayo). Sa mga convo na inaabot ng madaling araw. Sa lahat ng kalokohan at seryosong usapan. Sa binigay mong bracelet at music box. And of course, sa lahat ng assurance na binigay mo sakin na talagang pinanghawakan ko at umasa ako, like:
- I’m so thankful na nakilala kita, sana wag kang magsawa tulad sa mga stories mo before
- Thank you for putting a smile on my face kahit madalas akong nakasimangot
- Thank you for making my life suck a little less
- Thank you for being my human diary
- Thank you for listening to my nonsense and nonstop kwento
- Nafafall na ako. At natatakot ako. Like, hinihintay ko messages mo everyday. And it seems mas atat at excited pa akong kausapin ka. Nagpupuyat ako para makausap ka.
- Bakit ka kasi ganyan? Bakit ang natural mo? Bakit ang sweet mo? Bakit ang sexy mo magsalita pati mga gestures mo? Bakit ang bait mo? Bakit ang tyaga mo? Bakit good listener ka? Bakit ang sarap mo kausap at kasama? Bakit ang gaan pag nandyan ka? Bakit? 🥺
- Don’t worry, dadating din tayo dun. Just go with the flow and everything will follow.
Sobrang pinakilig mo ko sa mga sinabi mong yan. Pero nauwi din pala sa wala. Okay lang, I think this is for the best para sating dalawa. I wish you all the best in life. Sa personal growth, sa career, sa family. Sana mahanap mo na yung purpose mo and maging masaya ka. Sana masaya ka kung meron ka man bago ngayon. Kung meron man, sana magwork kayo. Gamitin mo yung mga “words of wisdom” na natutunan mo sakin 😂. If nagkatuluyan kayo, he is one lucky guy. Ang sakit para sakin sabihin lahat ng to, but that is what I truly want for you, to be happy, even if that happiness no longer includes me. May God bless you with more people na maa-appreciate and papahalagahan ka for who you are. Deserve mo yun. Kahit sinasabi mo sakin na “don’t settle for less” kasi panget ugali mo, hindi ka maganda, matalino, makinis at maputi…you still deserve that acceptance and appreciation. Sana wag ka panghinaan ng loob sa mga nangyayari sa life mo. You are strong at malakas loob mo. Naniniwala ako sayo na malalagpasan mo lahat yan. For me, you are still the World’s Greatest Nurse. And to be honest hanga ako sa pagiging family-centered mo. Na kahit alam mong ganun ang situation niyo back home sa Bicol, family is family parin for you at hindi dapat kawalan ng gana. Mawawalan ka ng gana sa lahat pero wag lang sa family. I admire you for that. Sana wag kang sumuko sa laban ng buhay. Thank you for bringing out the best in me, hindi ko inakala na magkakaroon ulit ako ng guts to really pursue someone I like to the point na ayoko siyang pabayaan sa mga struggles niya sa buhay, na iparamdam ko that I really care and gusto siyang damayan sa lahat. And that’s what I did to you. Sorry sa mga nasabi at nagawa kong hindi maganda na nasaktan ka at nainis ka. Sorry if nakakasakal ako. Sorry if nainvade ko personal time and space mo. That is my own undoing. That is my biggest mistake. Pero I understand, if this is what you want, then so be it. As for me, hindi ko alam kung kelan ulit ako gaganahan to go out there and meet new people. Di ko alam kelan ulit ako gaganahan sa lahat ng bagay. Sobrang devastated ko parin sa nangyari sating dalawa.
But well, what an experience it has been. We went from being strangers, to special someones with likened qualities, and back to being strangers, but this time with cherished memories. I was never yours, and you were never mine, even for just a short time, I hope this encounter of ours will carry its lessons throughout our lifetime. Someday, when fate decides to let our paths cross again, I hope we have become better versions of ourselves. Versions that had set themselves free of hatred, regret, bitterness and wounded feelings.
If you don’t respond to this, okay lang. Keep this letter, basahin mo sa tuwing sasagi ako sa isip mo. I swear, this letter will be the last thing you will ever hear from me. These are my last words to you. Hanggang dito nalang ako. Paalam at salamat sa lahat. Pinapalaya na kita.
P. S. – “I hate all men, but when he… calls me pretty, I feel like somebody. Even when we fade eventually to nothing, you will always be my favorite form of loving.”
from— jndto— jrc
