It was summer of 2018 when I first saw her. I was there for a job interview, nothing special, pero di ko akalain siya na pala ung taong mamahalin ko. Ang unang babae na mamahalin ko.
It was risky and new. Risky because I knew when I fall, alam ko talaga that I will fall hard kasi marupok ako, sobra, and new kasi I never fell inlove with a woman. For 27 years of existence I never thought that I will love a woman just as same as how I love a man when I was in a relationship.
To those who are wondering, I am a woman, I know that I am 100% sure I am straight until she came into my life.
Why? That I don’t know. Di naman kailangan ng sagot, I couldn’t give myself a good and right answer but I know that I love her.
She’s wonderful and broken at the same time. She’s a likeable person, friendly, sweet, laging naka ngiti kahit pagod na sa trabaho, at masarap magluto. She’s broken but she knows how to handle it, undoubtedly strong. I hate it when she talks about her exes, lalo na dun sa lalaking iniwan siya, but she needs someone to listen, so I listened to her heartaches.
She deserves to be loved and I want her to feel it. I want to be that person who will make her feel that she is special, I want to show her how much I love her, but I couldn’t.
Writing this down is hard, nasa moving on phase na ko but here I am, naaalala siya.
I confessed my feelings before ako bumaba ng taxi and I thought she never heard what I said, the next day kumain pa kami sa labas. I refused to call it a date pero parang ganun din. She’s clingy, fun, and bully. Asaran doon at asaran dito. Until I found myself falling deeper so I have to tell her again and this time I will make sure she knows. That same day I found out that she knew and heard what I said. The rest is history.
It is hard. Everytime I see her, I want to hold her. Kapag uuwi na siya, I want her to stay. Kapag umiiyak na siya out of frustration sa trabaho, I want to hug her. When she was in a life and death situation, I don’t know what to do, gusto ko siya puntahan, but then that day I saw her alive and smiling, I became relieved and happy.
She never rejected me, that made it worse. The day that I confessed my feelings for her, I wish she told me na she only sees me as her friend, or kahit umiwas nalang siya and that I will understand, but it didn’t happen that way. I made my move when I got chances.
I am also struggling with my confusion to the point I am having suicidal thoughts and became depressive. Ang hirap pala, sobra.
Umiwas ako, weeks to months, until eventually I was assigned in different branch and I didn’t see her since then.
For her, to the one who shall not be named, I love you, and I never meant to make you feel unwanted kasi umiiwas ako. I did that to save myself from greater heart ache, for I know you will never love me back just as much as I do. I was scared of you, scared of how you made me feel whenever you are around, scared of how I wanted so bad to be with you, but all that I can do was to be your colleague and friend because I see that you are more comfortable with that set up. You are so darn worth the risk, but there’s nothing that I could do because you never felt the same way.
Few weeks from now, I will be leaving the country for good. I know along the way this decision will help me to heal. Alam ko naman sa sarili ko na I will never forget you, and you will always be in my heart, kahit ang sakit.
I will just leave it here, in this way, kahit papaano, this will help me to move forward.