Lately, whenever I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. Messy hair, irregularly-shaped eyebrows, dark circles around my eyes, a war among pimples, acne and white heads. Breakouts after breakouts. Flaws after flaws. Not to mention the dark marks all over my body and the number I see when I step on a weighing scale. I hate it. I used to be this body-positive-slash-love-yourself type of person but I don’t know what got into me. I used to take selfies and love the outcome – but now, it’s terrifying for me to face the camera because I don’t like myself. This has been weighing me down for the past few days, along with a series of disappointments, questioning myself if I will ever be enough and doubting what I can do.
With everything that’s been happening in my life right now, self-care feels like a luxury. All the things that I used to love doing or very passionate about feels lost in thin air. It always comes down to little or no time, when choosing to make time for myself.
I can’t finish a single episode of my currently-liked series without getting distracted or dozing off. I can’t practice a skin care routine because it’s always too late and my backlogs are waving. I can’t dedicate a day for leisure because it’s usually packed with responsibilities. Even rest days feel like working days. I am always too sleepy or too tired. Then whenever I try to have a moment of peace, overthinking, crying and sleeping troubles follow. And the cycle goes on. I can’t even remember what triggered all of this.
But I’m okay now, or at least I’m trying to be.
These “bad” days taught me that you don’t get a free pass in life. There will always be low points before you get to the high points. There will always be breakdowns (a lot) before reaching your breakthroughs. I also learned that it’s okay to seek validation, to clear the clouds above your head. But you need to remember that the validation you’re seeking should not (or at least, don’t expect that it will) come from the person you always hang out with, your boyfriend, your best friend or even your family. The truth is – validation should start within you. You should always be the first person to save yourself from drowning, so you’d better learn how to swim. Don’t fight the waves and bear in mind that you are the ocean.
It’s okay to hate yourself sometimes. It happens, you need to acknowledge that. The world, the people in it (even the closest in your heart), may sometimes make you feel unseen or unworthy but that doesn’t mean that they love you any less. You can’t expect other people to cradle you all the time. They also carry their own baggage. They also have things that they want to do and you should respect that. You go on and still love them, no matter what.
I didn’t write this just to rant and let it all out. I’d like this to be a reminder that all your emotions are valid. It’s okay to take all the downers now so you can appreciate the good ones even more when they come. Trust me, they will come. Whenever possible, find time to do the things that make you genuinely happy. Treat yourself to a nice meal, watch a good movie, write something, take a walk, ride a bike – whatever it may be, do it once in a while. When life starts to feel overwhelming or if it gets heavy, take a pause and breathe. You deserve to recharge. You deserve to rest.
Wherever you’re reading this from, I want you to remember these old but gold statements:
You are seen.
You are beautiful.
You are capable.
You are worthy.
You are enough.
You are loved.