I skipped a grade in preschool, graduated with honors in elementary and graduated valedictorian in high school. I got the PGMA medal and the Sergio Osmeña leadership award (with that fact alone you will be able to gauge what age group I could be in). I was best in english, best in science, damn I was even best in computer. I was girl scout of the year and editor-in-chief of the school yearbook. I was part of exchange programs and sent to different events to represent my school- this was high school.
In college I was the class president for 4 years. I was on the student body council- I was even in the glee club. I finished college and I have a medical bachelors degree. My research was displayed for “outstanding work.” I achieved all of that while I went out with friends, partied and got drunk without my parents knowing.
My family lives comfortable. I have a job that allows me to do things on my own time. I have a life.
I have faith. I believe in God and I am active in church. I serve in the church, lead small groups and lead praise and worship. I am a part of the church band and I have a beautiful voice (so I’ve been told and this is a gift from God, leave me alone).
You can say I’m all around. I was or am not just a school geek or a party animal. I was an achiever. I am not some easy chick. I am more or less a good package.
I may not be the hottest woman you’ll see but I have charm. I believe I do have charm because I had to block some crazy pervs on Facebook from time to time. I think I’m pretty sometimes but my real point is that I am not all brains or books or a geek or a loser.
I HAVE A LIFE. I have a life.
I achieved all of that. I am all of this and yet I am the dumbest when it comes to you.
I gave in to every “good morning” message only to find out that you were playing me the whole time.
I provided a guide book of my life and you used it to hurt me in every way possible.
I handed you a key to a drawer I seldom open to people only to find you destroyed every meaningful thing inside.
I rushed to every call you made only to find I was just one of many on a schedule.
I poured my heart out to you when you asked if I was okay only to realize you left every faucet running until you could float and feel good about yourself.
I met you at the moment of my life where I was “okay” and I ended up wondering what was every achievement I got really for.
I got comfortable being with you while you were being comfortable with the other who knows how many women.
I made you irreplaceable in my life when I was dispensable in yours.
Now, I do not know this life. I do not know what is my purpose.
I am smarter than this but I am broken inside. I see how happy I was before I met you and wonder what was this all for.
This makes me wonder why we allow ourselves to become so engulfed in emotions of love and romantic excitement. Why I allowed all of this? – I wish I knew. I wish anyone knew why we would constantly break ourselves for people who wouldn’t lose a minute of sleep for us. Why did I stoop down to a level that hurt me, abused my kindness and love?
But I also want to know how some individuals sleep at night knowing that this is what they are capable of doing to a person. A perfectly “okay” person, you lead on to believe that you care for them deeply and leave them like a piece of used up wrapping paper.
Wrapping paper? Shiny, pretty, excited to find out what’s inside- and when you’ve opened up the “gift,” when you know what it is, when you’ve felt it up already, you just throw it in the trash.
When you’ve made them feel special you just bail? Is this ghosting? With no verbal warning, you just leave. With no signs and human decency to explain- just because you don’t want it anymore, you leave.
I am so broken that I can not imagine that the same over achiever with a stable job is the same dumb girl who fell for all your antics.
I had a life, and you can tell- this life is broken now.
Don’t get me wrong, I will get over this sooner or later. I am a strong woman. I am an overachiever who will not allow being broken over a boy who did not see my worth reason to not become better than I was before I met him.
For now, while I’m broken, I want to understand why break someone who only wanted to love you? Why put someone through all the agony of hope only to end up with despair? Does anyone ever know why you would awaken a woman’s love with no intention of loving them at all?
I am not smart enough to realize these answers, no matter how much of an overachiever one may be- we do not get to know these answers. We are forced to pick up the broken pieces of our heart and move on.
That’s what I hate, the not knowing.
I hate that I’m unable to understand how someone who sounded so sincere could be such a coward of a man.
But like I said, we get over it. Not now but we get over it. We move on even with the unknown.
Frustrating as it might be, I am an overachiever who is now broken and is writing about my disappointment of myself. I am disappointed in the man who I thought loved me, but I am more depressed with myself and how I allowed all of this to happen to me.I was not an easy catch but I fell. I was not a dumb chick but I fell. I dumbed down to love. I fell. I wish I knew the answers to all these questions so bad. I fell in love despite my achievements.
