It’s been more than two years. There were days where despair and anxiety would drown me slowly like in a quicksand. I couldn’t get out. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even cry. I envied those who could cry so easily because I knew there was a sense of relief after crying. In those times I just waited for it to leave; hoping that perhaps tomorrow, I would feel different. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I have always been a happy, proactive person in my youth. And these feelings and thoughts were so unfamiliar. Negative, destructive thoughts come rushing through my mind like an endless train. Each thought being worse than the other. I’ve tried a lot of things just to make it go away. And acting out of my own pain, I’ve hurt and exhausted people along the way. There were times where painful dreams would visit me in my sleep. Times where I start the day with a heavy heart, carrying it throughout the day. There were times I pleaded with God to take my life if I’d just live another day in this state. Or that if He didn’t, i would take my own life.
There were times I pleaded with God to take my life if I’d just live another day in this state. Or that if He didn’t, i would take my own life.
Yet…
In this season of my life, God has been faithful. His mercies are new every morning. I learned to recognize and appreciate every nugget of joy and comfort that He gives- a sudden call or visit from a friend, promises of hope from His Word, His felt presence in worship, an unexpected conversation with someone, a text that you’re being prayed for, a laughter from seeing a meme. But even when those things don’t come, I learned to endure; to be patient in the midst of this unseen struggle. God is good. In this season, I discovered a deeper friendship with the Father. I learned to be really honest with my prayers. He gives me answers and little by little, in each passing months, speaks to my heart His purposes in all these. And even as depression torments me, I remind myself that this too shall pass.
In this season of my life, God has been faithful. His mercies are new every morning.
Weeping may last through the night but joy will come in the morning. I am hopeful that God soon will fill my days with joy, in this life here and in eternity. And in this, I hope and wait. And until the fruit He desires in my crushing is produced in me, I patiently wait upon His deliverance.