I know it’s quite late, the damage has been done. As much as I don’t want to, for I know these are words you despise to hear, I’ll say it still.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for being heedless. I thought I was cautious. I had my walls overrated. Little did I know that when I allowed people to break part of these walls, I had also given them the consent to break you.
I never knew that when I allowed them to make you happy, when I encouraged you to care, when I allowed you to give, I had also given them the power to hurt you.
I’m sorry for letting you have expectations. For setting your hopes too high. For choosing temporary fulfillment and compromised the things you truly deserve.
I’m sorry for letting you fall for actions with no clear intentions. For allowing you to flutter in the wrong time, for the wrong person.
I thought I’d be okay as long as I don’t let it show. As long as I can hide beneath my apathetic facade and act strong. I always thought as long as they don’t know I’m hurting, I can just come home running, because I know my Father will always catch me when I fall, like He always does.
He did.
But I never knew I would hurt you this much. I’m sorry for taking you for granted. For overestimating my emotional tolerance.
I can’t blame you if you don’t want to give anymore. If you no longer want someone to come in because you know that the more people you allow to do so, the more people will likely depart as well. I understand if you no longer want to be associated with excitement. Because excitement will always lead to attachment. Oh dear, attachment has topped your most hated and sadly, feared things now.
Who would want to be attached anyway? You’ll long for their presence, have unmet expectations, then end up disappointed and shattered. No, let’s not make the same mistake again.
I used to guard you to preserve you for the worthy one. To keep you from bruises because I don’t want to give you to him scarred. But now, I’ll also guard you for you, for me.
Yet not by building higher walls or keeping myself shielded. Not by burning bridges or cementing you with solitude.
I’ll guard you by giving you back to the One who can heal, hold, protect and fulfill you. To the One whose walls are built with His unfailing love that no person can ever break unless He tells him how to. The One who loved me first and whose love I always take for granted. The One who never gives up in pursuing me. The only One I need. The One who is preserving the “right person” and is preparing me to be the right person, for a story that can give Him glory.
I’ll guard you by leading you.
I’ll lead you by seeking Him.
Let’s go home.