I like you.
I have always do. I never really know when it started.
I have liked you even more when we get to be partners in almost every school works we had just because we live in the same apartment building.
I have liked you even if I know you have liked someone when we were in high school and how you wanted to wait for the perfect time to pursue her. It must be really sad for you when you found out she’s already taken.
I have liked you even if you are really not the talkative, high-spirited guy I am always fond of from those ‘kdramas’ I watched.
I have liked you even though you’re kinda passive and that you don’t want to contest other people’s idea. I now that you only want to consider them and not to selfishly force your own but sometimes you have to lead them too, especially if they can’t also decide for themselves. It’s okay to speak up.
I have always liked your style, and how you fit in to every clothes you have. Well, except for that one big org shirt that makes you look like a rapper. But kidding aside, I still liked you even when you were still wearing that shirt you wore the night before.
I like you when you are squeaky clean, when you look fresh and handsome. And the silly thing is, I still like you even if I have seen several times of those sleeping face of yours. Not the fresh and handsome kind of look, a little funny but it’s not something that diminished what I feel.
I like you even if you are such a ‘picky-eater’, you don’t want to eat those 1-peso junk food, or that sweet candy I always wanna buy. Maybe that is why I always opt for ‘cheeserings’. Because that is where we can both agree.
I like you even if you are such a baby when it comes to health. How easily you can have fever just because it rained a little and you have no umbrella or how often you can get sore throats just because you ate too much icecream and you didn’t drink water after. To be honest I want to take care of you but then, we are not in that kind of relationship, that’s why I often restrict myself.
I still like you even when we get to treat those I deemed ‘romantic moments’ as ordinary. Like when we watched a movie, biked around the village, had a dinner at the ‘so-called’ fancy restaurant here, shared one or two cups of noodles, even the times when you get to visit our house because of ‘thesis’ though I do not bring other guys in our house, and all those ordinary moments that we get to hang out. I have always known that in my heart, I shouldn’t treat these as something romantic. I shouldn’t.
Most of all, and it wasn’t easy for me, but I have liked you even when I get to learn one of your secrets incidentally. Your one dark secret, maybe. To be honest, when I found out about that I really felt vulnerable. I was afraid to face you. I don’t want to face you. I want to hide. I felt what any other girl would feel like if their body has been invaded. Except I know that you will never do that, you can only browse in the web. But I never really imagined that you are that kind of a guy. I never really for once did ever suspected you of that thing. But I guess we all get tempted and I have my own share of struggles too. For days I couldn’t stop thinking about it. But even so, I have chosen to let go and really pray about it, not diminishing the fact that it is a sin. But after all, I am not the one who is fit to help you with that. I am in no position. I can only pray for you and help you silently. If you are ever wondering, I was the one who put that screenshot of that verse (Matthew 6:22) on your desktop for your reminder.. And I also erased history views of those ‘indecent things’ I found out you have watched on youtube when we exchanged laptops because of research. I know that it is a violation of privacy and I am truly sorry, but I did that just so that it will not show up in your recommended videos anymore. I know that my view of you should have changed already after that ‘discovery’ but still, it did not diminished your value. Eventually, God healed my mind and I truly hope you will let him heal yours too.
I still like you even when I get to learn that you now like someone else and I’m still way out of your league. I never really felt this much hurt before because I never really liked another guy like this. There are times when I can’t bear to hear anymore. You see it was fine with me even though I know all of them are cheering for both of you. It was. In the eyes of all, you both are fit for each other. I know you have no plans to pursue her yet and that gives me both hope and dread. Hope that maybe someday you might be able to notice what I feel even though I can’t say it out loud, and dread because it gives me hope and assurance that I know I shouldn’t grab.
You see, I want to move forward. I want to be able to look at you straight in the eye and wish you all the best in the world, in life, in love, in career, even if that means I am not a part in any of those. But I can’t, not now, and maybe it is because I have liked you too much already and that it will never go away too easily. But there are stuff that are better left unsaid. There are feelings that can complicate things if blurted out. And I know I can never demand those feelings back. I like you because I like you and you are not in any way obliged to return it.
I know what I have to do. I also know that I should’ve guarded my heart. And too many times I pray to God to remove this because it hurts whenever I think about you and then comes that thought about you and that girl. God is telling me to let go, but more than that God has been revealing to me that I need to trust the process of letting go. I need to trust His character. That He is close to those who are brokenhearted and he saves those who are crushed in spirit. I will not minimize anymore what I am going through. I will not think of this as some petty feelings because if it is, it wouldn’t be this hard. So this is probably me, letting my heart open, for God to pass through. If I ever find myself still crying, I know, that maybe, it is my heart’s own way of healing.
And if there is one thing I learned the most in this process, it is that your heart is far beyond my control.