You were the very first person who made me feel this way. It is not the usual infatuation that I typically had for any other guy. It was way too different and deep. I broke the walls that I have built for years and I opened my door for you, even everyone in the room told me not to let my guards down because our situation is too complicated to handle. You have awaken my long-sleeping fervor that I once thought I’ll never had. I showed you something I never did to anyone else. I have included you in my every prayer, I cared about you and your feelings a lot. I wanted to fix any shattered past you got and help you gain the trust for love again. I tried picking up your every pieces of broken faith.
It’s my first time to feel this way and I am a kid out of school. I did not bother to control my emotions since I don’t have any foundation of experiences. I was in hype I can’t even count how many butterfly flights I had in my stomach every time I got to be with you. I went ecstatic and captivated not knowing that I am nearly falling in a cliff of confusions and haziness. Soon enough I just let myself dive into you without any hesitations. I was bewildered and I threw all of me inside this indefinite idea of love.
And those were the worst things I ever did to my foolish heart. Now, I think you were the first heartbreak I had. I did not see it coming, I was too blinded by the lights of love I thought we have. When I was busy dreaming everyday for the story of us, you were swiftly gone like a strong whirlwind that left everything in distress. When I was preoccupied crafting our history, you got me hanging and left deep wounds I can’t stop from bleeding. I went overthinking and I had sleepless nights asking myself why am I not better enough. Insecurities started to eat my crumpled mind and crept around me. All of me broke down concurrently, emotional, physical, and mental. My whole being felt so tired, I don’t know if I could stand up again. I went gaga and put all the blames to me and my blinded optimism. I should have listened in the first place. I should have run away as fast as I could. I have regretted not guarding my heart and let all things just go with the flow.
But you never had any clues for the storms you made I guess, and I won’t let you know about that. I won’t give you hints that I am dying inside, for it was my last straw, and it’s the last piece I left for myself. You gave me tired sighs and lifeless eyes. You’ve taken the very best of me. You made me sleep on wet pillows while weariness conquered my spirit. But still, I wanted to thank you for that. You won’t be the end of me. It will let me realize soon that you were the very first lesson I had. It will be a reminder to me on my next attempt that I am strong and I went through a bunch of depressions but still kept on walking.
Sincerely, Steffy
August 22, 2019. All rights reserved.
