For the longest time I have been single, almost 7 years to be exact.. it came to a point where I forgot what it feels to be in love, i forgot how it feels to be liked…. I kept asking my self what is wrong….… that it came to a point that I felt like Im so ugly, that I don’t deserve to be loved coz no one’s liking me, no one’s pursuing me.
They kept asking me why am I so secretive of my love story and why I am not sharing, and why Im just waiting here without doing anything… well, for me I installed and uninstalled almost all of the dating apps I know hoping to find someone, went out with few guys, but always fails coz I just don’t feel anything, they don’t feel something….I forgot how to flirt, I forgot how to talk to a guy I like, fortunately I forgot liking a guy, if only they would know, no one asked me out, no one liked me, no one…
i kept waiting, i kept waiting for someone, who will love me….. and no one came..
I keep on dreaming and imagining my love story on how we will meet,(or have i already met him? is he one of my friends? )on how we will spend our dates and anniversaries, on what things we will laugh about, looking at him crying at the altar on the day of our wedding, i kept imagining this perfect relationship with someone when that perfect time comes, by perfect I mean, that kind of relationship that I built in my head but that doesn’t mean no fights, no arguments, just me, with him and the genuine love we have for each other… sometimes Im scared. Im scared what if… what if, my kind of perfect relationship with someone will be far from my expectations…
Within these waiting years I have done a lot of things alone that made my entire system used to being alone…. but that doesn’t mean I don’t need anyone anymore, that doesn’t mean, I dont envy my friends, that I don’t envy people’s love life (lol although sometimes, I’m wondering if these couples who I envy or I look up to are genuinely happy with each other—Trust issues. Sorry) that I didn’t feel lonely at times…it’s just that most of the time, I prefer being alone, I mean I love being alone…I prefer eating alone, I prefer shopping alone, I prefer walking alone..I prefer driving alone, that every time I am with someone honestly makes me anxious about a lot of things—so what if someone at the right time will actually fill those “alone” times with “with ‘him’ times”….
I have a lot of whys. Do I really have high standard? (what people always tell me everytime i open up about my “singleness”) The truth is I’m not picky, I just have a standard, it just came to a point where I learned to recognize my value and worth and NEVER settle less, that I deserve a man who will love me wholly and will receive this love from the BEST version of me that I am preserving in the longest time. Or am I not good enough yet, for him? Am I not ready? am I ugly or it’s not really the time yet? Few years ago after my last relationship with someone, I told God, I’m willing to wait as long as the next one will be “the One”.. I dont know but lately, I feel like Im getting tired of waiting, coz lately i’ve been experiencing loneliness and I need someone who I will tell everything, my not so big deal stories to my pains and problems, I just need someone, a lover maybe, who will love all my flaws and shortcomings and will just embrace and just be there for me every time… maybe I’m just frustrated and tired of waiting..
Or maybe I just forgot to trust Him..I just forgot that I told Him Im willing to wait no matter how long. I forgot that He could give me the BEST. I forgot that He’s the author of best love stories. That the reason why until now, no one is pursuing me because it’s just not the time yet…because His timing is always PERFECT.. And I can’t wait to be with my “no one” while I was waiting…