A “Jericho Walled Heart” as a defense mechanism.
We are in a generation of being “marupok” is a disgrace. Long before that kind of stigma started, I have already developed a “Jericho Walled Heart”.
I never had a boyfriend. But I had MUs, Chatmate, and even penpal back in Highschool. During college, I had an unofficial hidden/forbidden(for some) relationship. It was a rough experience,and it badly affected my studies and well being so much. To the point of promising myself to never going back to that kind of relationship ever. Or any romatic relationship.
Until I settled to a couple of Undefined relationships and failed, again.
It was just two years ago, when someone knocks again. It was decent but only best foot forward. I expected so much from him yet, another failed “almost” relationship.
Then here comes 2018. Another person wants to win my heart. Unfortunately, I couldn’t let him in because He is “too nice” for me. Having a “Walled Heart” could only contribute to his Anxiety. So I break it to him gently.
Don’t get me wrong, I could still feel some things, in fact I’m a crybaby whenever I see dogs suffering, whenever I witness kindness, or whenever I watch a tearjerker movie. My heart is so soft but hardens when “something romantically is involved” I tend to push people away.
I have been hurt by my friends too, and that’s some how counts.
If being hard on myself saves my heart from the hurt, then a having a “Jericho Walled Heart”-which-only-a-person-who-knows-how-to-worship-God-could-break-it will do.
But please, tell me I’m wrong, tell me this is wrong.