Looking back, I never really thought I can move on from being wrecked by you. I was like Miley, swinging from that wrecking ball trying to be strong even if it hurts. I was like that wrecking ball trying to destroy everything just to make them feel miserable as I am. I was like that stupid hammer, letting everyone lick me trying to please them just to feel my worth again, my importance as well.
Yeah you, you wre-e-eck- me. For almost five years I am not me. I’m broken. I’m a destroyer. I’m worthless. I am nothing. I am not me anymore.
But despite of that, I live. I still live and still breathe. Inhaling the positive side of the world and exhaling my negative-morbid-deadly thoughts that keeps me from growing and finding the real me.
I still remember those lethal moments reminiscing you. I still remember those sleepless nights because you are my nightmares. I still remember those flood-tear scene in front of the mirror murmuring and repeating those fck spells—“You can. Just breathe.”
Inhale.. exhale.. smile..
Those were the days. Those were the pains. That “those” builds me. It builds something in me. Something strong in every decision I make. Weighing every truth and consequences before choosing. Something tough in everyday battle that I conquer. A new fck spell I began to sing each morning—“You don’t come this far, to only come this far.”
Something fierce every time I look myself in the mirror. Something fiery in these eyes. Something courageous in these fists. Something independent in this soul. Something wild with this heart.
Change it is, or much better if I’d say new. Yeah, that’s more like it—a new me.
Remembering and reminiscing are not my hobby anymore. Instead, I go for overcoming and creating. Building. Doing. Growing. Trusting. Making every pieces of me become happy, satisfied and contended.
Realization begins to sink into my bones and touches every single nerves from within. It pinches my soul, my mind and my heart.
Now, my eyes are not blurry anymore, my thoughts are clearer. I have a better view on my target now—Goals.
When realization hits you, it hits you hard. It might take years but I assure you, it will hit you. And you must be prepared for that. Seriously.
Wrecking balls are invented to destroy old and worthless things in order to build new and strong ones. That’s their job. And maybe, just maybe, it’s his job too. Wrecking me in order to create a new me. A perfect-flawless-awesome-superb-new me. Miley too has a happy ending now. I should also.
I believe this is not about finding the old and real me, this is now about creating, growing and honing the new me.
Breathe slowly… inhale… exhale.. Don’t just smile, feel that happiness and freedom inside you! Happy new year, happy new you!
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