Every time a green dot appears with your name on it that says you’re on line, a part of me wanted to click the wave sign and grope for any reason, lame it may sound just to get a conversation with you. I know it’s been a while, five months? But I haven’t forgotten you. Your smile when I waved goodbye before our bus carried me away from where you stood. Your jolly disposition when you took away my specs and asked me if I could see clearly under the 3am city lights of Tacloban. You and your secrets which fascinate me even the darkest ones. And every little detail you told me at the other end of the line. You that left me hanging.
I wasn’t born yesterday. I know how boys weaved words trapping hearts and giving false hopes — and I’ve been building barriers ever since for I have seen failed relationships yet I couldn’t comprehend how I get stuck up into this mess. You told me that we should pursue our priorities first, and I understand. But please, why do you have to start when you haven’t had any plans to move forward?Honestly, there is a point where my heart wished we haven’t chatted. Where we remained stranger- people that smiles but never share secrets.
” Are you including me on your prayers? “, you asked me once and I said yes but haven’t told you the conversations I have with Him for it mirrors the desires of my heart. I could see flashes of future with you. We go to conferences together. We cry together. We praise Him together. Us and the ministry. And then I realized all of those are just products of my own fragility.
It’s quite unfair when the one that invest more emotionally, the one that hopes more, the one that loves more tend to crawl out with greater scars. You gave me wounds Paul which I will lick wholeheartedly until I will have my healing for I know , this pain has its purpose. And until then, I’ll keep on praying for the day when all will be cheering when this is remembered.
When little love remains,
Jazz