What is wrong with me?
I have been trying to keep this to myself all this time. Well, maybe I have shared this to some of my close friends, my sister and family, my leaders, and my partner. But I just don’t really know what to do or what I should feel right now. I wonder if this is anxiety or depression or something else. I’m just clueless of what is wrong with me.
I am beyond happy and grateful that I was hired and got a new job as a call center agent despite the pandemic last year. Everything was so different like the workload and the job itself was very new to me. My routine was changed. I sleep in the morning and wake up at night for work.
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that I have a job, but I’m confused as to why I feel so heavy each time I go to work. There were days spent crying and contemplating how to cope up with things at work. I had a hard time eating properly and I felt anxious that led to sleepless nights. Several times, I cried myself to sleep. I was deeply consumed with fear of not being able to answer or take the calls properly. I pray everyday before I go to work asking for enlightenment, courage and presence of mind.
Surprisingly, my performance, QA and validation scores are beyond what I expected. But I constantly ask myself why do I feel empty? This feeling frustrates me a lot because I aspire to go to work feeling happy and enthusiastic. However, instead of joy and excitement, I am filled with anxiety and stress no matter how I try to motivate myself.
One day, while I was riding a motorcycle driven by my brother in law going to my workplace, tears were uncontrollably falling down my face. I immediately went to the comfort room when I arrived at the office and cried myself out. Few minutes later, I went out of the comfort room as if nothing happened. That has been the episode for several days. I pretended to be fine but honestly, I feel like hell deep inside.
I have sacrificed a lot for this job. I chose this over my dream job as a disc jockey in a radio station in Cebu City. I had to resign because I now live in lapu-lapu City and it would be impractical and hassle for me to go to work everyday in Cebu City.
Because of these disturbing experiences, it came to a point that I even wanted to consult the psychiatrist who helped my sister cope up with her anxiety. I tried loving this new job. There were days that I felt so happy being able to assist customers successfully. But there were days where I felt empty and cared less about my performance.
I have been motivated and been encouraged by my TLs saying that what I am experiencing right now is completely normal and have been experienced by many. They added that I just had to trust the process and everything will be easy after a few months. But the fear inside me and the things running in my mind just wouldn’t go away.
I have been working with this job for 3 months already and yet I’m still not used to it. Honestly, I’m envious with the courage of some of my batchmates who resigned because they could no longer handle the pressure. I have been speaking with them and even told them that I feel like quitting as well.
To be honest, my ego and conscience is eating me up. I feel afraid or shy of quitting because I will be perceived as ungrateful after all the help I got just to have this job. God knows how much I have been trying to perform excellently with my job but a part of me doubts if this is the right job for me.
I often ask myself this; If I quit now, would I be able to look for another job right away that would not make me feel the same way I am feeling right now? Would I be able to provide and help with the finances at home with the way I can provide now?
Another thing is, I really wanted to take and pass the civil service exam to work as a government employee. Second, I just want to invest in something and start my own business and be able to manage my own time and stay at home.
A part of me thinks that the effect of quarantine made me lazy and at the same time I learned the value of spending more time with my loved ones. I have always been praying to God to give me patience to trust the process and His plans. But I have also been praying for his enlightenment to help me discern on this journey.
If you’re reading this right now, you are also maybe quite confused. My paragraphs and thoughts are so unorganized which reflects my situation right now. I am still trying to find and fix myself. I hope that whatever my decision is, I will be able to stand by it without regrets to achieve my goals.
I just don’t know what’s wrong with me and what help I need.
*special thanks to Danica Caballes