I was supposed to post this yesterday but intend to seize the moment of emotional relief and regained love from one of the most important man in my life.We had a huge fight last summer, it forced me to travel thinking it’ll be my escape from locking myself in my room and weep. I immediately booked a flight to Singapore, Philippines then to Malaysia. As I came back in Thailand. Our house was empty, I was slapped by the reality that I was left and will live alone from then on. I felt my mind and soul crashing in pain.
I moved out and found a new place to stay, though my heart is still carrying all the hatred, I have kept everything inside and made myself busy with many things. Last December, I went to Philippines but didn’t went home. Don’t get me wrong, I am not proud of it for I know I just need some time and space. Little did I know, it will a emotional 2 weeks stay in my homeland. I wish he was there for me like before, when I am having panic attacks and crying, when my general anxiety hits me too hard, he used to be there and sleep by my side. I missed him badly.
Everyone saw in the news that there was a mass shooting in our place. And that one of the most important man in my life got trapped there. I was in Phuket that time, planning to enjoy some time with my tourist cousins but became pre-occupied due to the sudden event. I cant stop thinking, I just can’t.When I came back in our town here in Thailand, I can’t stop thinking about him. “Is he ok? Did he saw the gunman? Did he heard a lot of gunshots?” The sister’s love can’t take it any longer, I reached out and checked in him. He said he went to work but have some unusual feeling and discomfort- I knew it, its PTSD. I have to do something, I know how difficult it is.
I reached out to my nanay nanayan, Barbara (she don’t know I think of her as like that) and told her some information. She helped me and a therapist reached out for help not just for my brother but for other Filipino victims of the tragedy. Thinking that my travel to Phuket seems to be a blessing in disguise because I was saved from the tragedy, I have been praying to all the Buddhas of Phuket, even on the rituals of my Sak Yant to slowly have peace of mind, heart and gradually take away the heavy loads of my heart as a birthday gift. It started to happen.
Yesterday, I was asked if I can attend his wedding. I asked him when? You didn’t invited me?! He told me the date, it’s my scheduled flight to Singapore. I told him to make me her secondary sponsor and will book a new flight to give way for the wedding. He agreed. I guess it is a yes, we’re all good now.
For some reasons I can’t explain how important it is to me to reconcile with this guy, we’ve been through thick and thin. We have a 7 years age gap but still our closeness is incomparable. I was so angry at him last year, but still my love for him is selfless. Believing in the process and enough time to heal means picking your broken and regretful self before forgiving others, that’s why it takes time. I am a Roman Catholic but the learning of Buddhism has also changed my perspective in life which I am thankful for. I whispered my wishes, I abruptly got one. I am in awe for that., thank you Big Buddha of Phuket Thailand, you’re such a beauty and a blessing.
That man might not be able to realize that this article is about us, about him, about our fight and about our reconciliation. I am still unsure how to react when the time comes that after a year, we’ll see each other again. I think I’ll cry, hug him and give him a good punch at the back, simply because that’s how we are are siblings. I love my brother, that I can deny.
Self love is important, you can’t give it if you don’t even have it in you, for yourself. Thank you for giving me enough time to heal and believe in its process. Indeed life is too short to live, but forgiving and healing makes it more worth living.