I turned a sad music on and tried to linger into every word, every feeling the artist was manifesting and realized I have somehow drifted away into a state where I could not sympathize anymore. Not that I never knew the kind of pain that’s silently wetting my pillow at midnight, nor pain of letting go, of regret and of moving on. I know, but it has become a distant memory.
Maybe because I chose to ran away. I wanted to start again, trust me I really wanted to. But, the moment someone tries to get in, all I could think of is how to end it, what alibi I could utter just so I can break free, and desperately collects red flags so I can convince myself, I deserve someone better.
But I’m not even trying to be better myself. I’m so obsessed in wanting the other person to change when I couldn’t even change my selfish pursuit. Up to this very day, I make myself believe that the reason why I’m alone is because I don’t want to settle for less, when in fact I just simply have this standard that’s bluntly superficial.
