Hello Boiling Waters PH,
I just want to share to others on how I experienced such heartbreak that some has been going through. I wrote this on my blog entitled “HEARTBREAK MANIFESTO” last March 30, 2015. It happened when I’m out of the country, a month before I go back here in Philippines. It’s been four years now since then. And I hope that someone felt comfort through my words and make them realize that their not alone. Being heartbroken is not as simple as it sounds. It’s hard..Really hard. But at the end of the day, we keep going and we keep loving..
Lovelots,
Trusty
“On this day, exactly three months passed..I was totally messed up. I thought I was going to die (literally) from being heartbroken to my almost 8 years relationship. The worst thing is, it happened on my own phone (yeah!breakup text!) That was my birthday though..Well Happy Birthday Trusty! you’re so lucky, you got dumped on your day..not everyone had a chance to be dump on their birthday (just making fun of myself). While everybody was so excited for 2015 to come and me, yes ME! I’m devastated, heartbroken and completely lost.
I’m so in love with him.He was the only person I ever loved like this. But he left me. A wave of emotions keep on coming: anger,frustration,sadness and hurt.A lot of questions..Why me? Why he do that to me?..I went over to the phone and call him to talk about everything. But he ripped my heart to pieces because he ignored my attempts of contacting him. But I keep on trying. As soon as I was about to press in the last digit, I hang up..I was having second thoughts, I was scared. I was scared to hear from him the truth. But when I heard his voice the last time, I told him “I love him”..and losing my voice at the end, and from that..I knew right then It was all over.
I’m so in love with him.He was the only person I ever loved like this. But he left me. A wave of emotions keep on coming: anger,frustration,sadness and hurt.A lot of questions..Why me? Why he do that to me?..I went over to the phone and call him to talk about everything. But he ripped my heart to pieces because he ignored my attempts of contacting him. But I keep on trying. As soon as I was about to press in the last digit, I hang up..I was having second thoughts, I was scared. I was scared to hear from him the truth. But when I heard his voice the last time, I told him “I love him”..and losing my voice at the end, and from that..I knew right then It was all over.
I fell to the floor pulling my knees to my chest. I felt my chest tighten and my body going numb and I cried, I cried a lot. And I keep on shouting curse language (i.e: walanghiya ka..hayop ka..p….i….) that the truth is I don’t even heard it from my parents or even myself saying those words. That moment I felt I lost my humanity, but who can blame me..I’m hurt like hell.
I bombarded my family with questions… “Why he never wait for me?.. “Why the man I want to spend the rest of my life leave me so easily?..”Why the man I love so much not want me?”..
And they have nothing to answer only those words “ACCEPT IT”. My tears of self-pity turned into tears of anger. Angry because he told me he would love me forever.. but he left me broken and he took my heart with him.
After then, a lot of sleepless night. My long lost friend my so called “pimi” (pimples) keep on coming. I felt my age added one year everyday (27,37,47,57) and I started to lose weight (that’s the best part from everything I’ve been through). Even my favorite show New Girl that supposed to make me laugh made me cry. And Daniel Powter might get hospitalized because of being tired singing Bad Day coz I keep on repeating his song everyday. My anger management issues become worst than ever. I started to hate everyone including Taylor Swift for no damn reason.I become bitter.I started to threatened him (so lame). I hate him for making me feel this way and I can’t forgive him for everything he was put me through. And I feel that nobody can save me from this traumatic experience that it comes to a point I want to end my life, but the funny thing is..I’m so scared of hospital and bloods so I’m thinking of better idea to end my life effectively that I will not see the world ever again..But I failed! (Zonrox smells sucks!hahaha)..
My family and friends keep on reminding me to be strong but I just need more time to process everything. I don’t want or need everyone to keep on checking me.So I’m trying to sound and act fine but failing in the process. All I was doing is pushing everyone away at the time of need because I’m not wanting to intrude on their personal lives especially to my family who has been on the rough days for sometime. So I face it all alone. I pray, I prayed a lot. Everyday,every night when tears forming in my eyes,I just shook my head and say “No..No..No”..
At last after having an internal battle on what my next move and dealing on my emotional chaos, I threw my hair up into a messy bun and left my puffy eyes and grab my pen and write. Write all my emotions to release the feeling of pain and anger, watching reruns of my favorite show to give some mental boost,read a lot of blogs of people who experience this situation like mine on how they cope heartbreaks. Even Jimmy Fallon helps a lot, by watching The Tonight Show segment #Hashtags it keeps my spirit high..laughing made me forget that there’s such a stressful days because I’m missing him terribly. I had to unfriend his family and friends as he requested too and for me also to move on. I made some “social media break”. I stepped away from my Instagram and Facebook for me not to see all his post with his “new girl” and to avoid some “cyber bullying” because I can’t stand those rude and mean things that her girlfriend family/friends/co-workers keep on telling me as if they know me and it really hurts a lot and tell everyone that I really don’t want to talk about it. But I’m fine of course. I’m still more than hurt, but as what my family and friends always told me..they were here for me and that’s all I need right now. Yes, the feeling of comfort from them is not enough to make me heal of heartache but it was enough to make me feel happy for a while. I don’t even know where he is right now or even bother to ask all our common friends either so I haven’t heard any news about him.
After then, a lot of sleepless night. My long lost friend my so called “pimi” (pimples) keep on coming. I felt my age added one year everyday (27,37,47,57) and I started to lose weight (that’s the best part from everything I’ve been through). Even my favorite show New Girl that supposed to make me laugh made me cry. And Daniel Powter might get hospitalized because of being tired singing Bad Day coz I keep on repeating his song everyday. My anger management issues become worst than ever. I started to hate everyone including Taylor Swift for no damn reason.I become bitter.I started to threatened him (so lame). I hate him for making me feel this way and I can’t forgive him for everything he was put me through. And I feel that nobody can save me from this traumatic experience that it comes to a point I want to end my life, but the funny thing is..I’m so scared of hospital and bloods so I’m thinking of better idea to end my life effectively that I will not see the world ever again..But I failed! (Zonrox smells sucks!hahaha)..
My family and friends keep on reminding me to be strong but I just need more time to process everything. I don’t want or need everyone to keep on checking me.So I’m trying to sound and act fine but failing in the process. All I was doing is pushing everyone away at the time of need because I’m not wanting to intrude on their personal lives especially to my family who has been on the rough days for sometime. So I face it all alone. I pray, I prayed a lot. Everyday,every night when tears forming in my eyes,I just shook my head and say “No..No..No”..
At last after having an internal battle on what my next move and dealing on my emotional chaos, I threw my hair up into a messy bun and left my puffy eyes and grab my pen and write. Write all my emotions to release the feeling of pain and anger, watching reruns of my favorite show to give some mental boost,read a lot of blogs of people who experience this situation like mine on how they cope heartbreaks. Even Jimmy Fallon helps a lot, by watching The Tonight Show segment #Hashtags it keeps my spirit high..laughing made me forget that there’s such a stressful days because I’m missing him terribly. I had to unfriend his family and friends as he requested too and for me also to move on. I made some “social media break”. I stepped away from my Instagram and Facebook for me not to see all his post with his “new girl” and to avoid some “cyber bullying” because I can’t stand those rude and mean things that her girlfriend family/friends/co-workers keep on telling me as if they know me and it really hurts a lot and tell everyone that I really don’t want to talk about it. But I’m fine of course. I’m still more than hurt, but as what my family and friends always told me..they were here for me and that’s all I need right now. Yes, the feeling of comfort from them is not enough to make me heal of heartache but it was enough to make me feel happy for a while. I don’t even know where he is right now or even bother to ask all our common friends either so I haven’t heard any news about him.
I learned a lot of things to this experience..We sometimes love too much that we end up losing ourselves. You’d be surprised on how many things your past has taught you. I’m trying not to be stress to the person in the past because I know there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future. Don’t try to understand everything, sometimes its not meant to be understood just accepted. Be strong enough to let go and be smart enough to wait for what you deserve. Its true that sometimes you don’t get closure..you just move on. I must say, my LOVE still remains but HOPE is not.
So now I want to go back home with strength to move on and learned from this heartbreak that sometimes LOVE fails”..
xoxo,
xoxo,
Trusty