Last night, I started preparing for sleep as early as I could. It wasn’t a good night. I was experiencing episodes of depression. Thoughts like I wouldn’t make it through; I wasn’t good enough; that there is no way I could make it victorious; I was too much of a burden; I wasn’t beautiful at all; my friends and family do not love me anymore, in fact, they are tired of me, too tired of my emotions and whatever it is I’m going through.
I tried to fight all these thoughts and countered them with positive ones like God loves me; God’s grace is sufficient for me, that His power is made perfect in weakness; no, I just have to sleep and hope that tomorrow is gonna be a good day a better day; it’s okay if I end up alone, I’ll just have my own dog, I want it so badly now; but if ever I get to have my own child, I’d probably name him Teyo Ezequiel, probably Teyo Kazuhiko or something like that.
I was crying, I thought maybe this is the last night I’ll ever have to do this. Maybe, tonight I should just end it all. I think what makes my feelings worse than usual is the fact that no one, even my family and friends, loves me anymore. That they haven’t heard a long time from me and they have completely forgotten that there was me. That probably they are happy and I just don’t want to be a burden to them. Huge part of me was feeling so down and betrayed and angered that maybe that is so. All my friends that I used to be with, my best friends, the guys who have liked me, and my old friends who have loved me — do not anymore.
I don’t know how I was able to sleep. I do not remember. But now, maybe, God is watching over me. And even if I don’t feel it nor see it, and even if my friends and family have already turned there backs on me. At least one person would never ever do that, I mean, I could not completely imagine Him turning His back on me. Thank you God that even if I have been so far away and even if I haven’t felt you for a very long time, Your grace is sufficient for me to survive the night. I don’t know what your reason is, what I do know, is that you know everything about me. Because I am yours.