Why God took away “The one”

After a terrifying heartbreak, you’re probably thinking “I’m sure, God will send the one for me.” I’ve already learned my lesson and I think I know what I am going to do next time love comes on my way. When I was in college I was patiently praying to God to give me the man that I will love for the rest of my life. The man that I will truly cherish until we get old. I listed all the qualities I wanted on a piece of paper, so that I am sure that no quality will be forgotten.

Months after the breakup, I met this guy. He is everything what I wanted. He is everything I needed. He got everything that I listed, a man who knows God, intelligent, who loves his family, tall, cute, has glasses and the list goes on. For the first months, our relationship felt like cloud 9. I’m so in love, he’s so in love but as time goes by my demons came to visit.  *FLASHBACK* I have an ugly past. A past that I am very ashamed of. A past that I wanted to bury because I felt like it will be easier for people to love me if they will not know anything about it. I hid it from him but the more I hid it, the more my insecurities got scarier.

The reason why I hid it because, I thought that I will never be his equal. The perfect relationship suddenly switched to a nightmare. We got into fights because I got scared he might leave if he knew my imperfections. I even felt more insecure because he made me feel like gaining weight is a deadly sin. I felt alone, unloved and unacceptable. I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. One night I was crying to God asking for help. As I read the Bible, one verse got my eye “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” After reading this, I questioned myself. “Why am I feeling this? Am I really loved by the person I am with?, I thought he’s the one” I asked God to move me, because I can’t move. I promised God that this time I will be more honest.

The following day I confessed my past. He was furious because I lied and he thought my past was unacceptable. He left me without saying anything. I was heartbroken. Again, feeling not good enough. I cried until my heart got tired and I asked God, “He’s the one I’ve been looking for but why did You took him away from me.” God answered me and He said “My Son is the One. He is the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Jesus.” I was speechless of this.

Finally, I surrendered my heart, all my worries and fears to Him. Now, it’s been four months since he left, he promised that he will never leave me and wholeheartedly but it was God who did those things. He loved me at my darkest. He loved me when I was unlovable. He loved me even more when I was a mess. Now while waiting for the right man, I will dance first with God. When it comes to choosing the right partner, I want that person to not only know God but he must have relationship with God because if he loves God more than anything, I’m sure he will love me just like how God taught us to love.