One night as I am praying for God to give me my heart’s desire, I heard Him speak to me, it seems that, that night was not like any other night. I am fazed when I heard Him say, “My daughter, offer it back to me.” I staggered with my thoughts. Dazed with what He is trying to convey to me. I was ready to fight against it, I detested the idea of giving it back. Yes, I was resistant, I am working to persuade Him to change His mind. “You’re the very One who put this desire in my heart, Lord, why take it back?!”, I said. “My child, offer it back to me just like how Abraham surrendered Isaac.”, God insisted. I felt warm tears streaming down my face. I prayed for it for so long, I just can’t withstand taking my hands off of it. The Lord continued with His subtle rebuking, “Do you really want it? Is it your greatest desire to have it? Then where do you plan on putting me in if your heart desires something else more than me?”. Dazzled with the realization of God being left out because of my adoration of something that is fleeting made my stance wobbly. I quivered with guilt.
It is a prevalent reaction of a typical human being to be resistant to something that requires a loosing grip. Sometimes we tend to bargain our utmost capacity to endure just to defy letting go. We oppose changes, we welcome afflictions with contempt, I wonder if we take delight into suffering, wanting the very things we’re forbidden to have just because we don’t want to yield on losing. Maybe we are too scared to be left with nothing. We fear that letting go of something will lead us not getting anything. We train our minds to think that maybe we will get it anyway if we’ll continue to get a hold on to it, to clench it tighter and confine it right in our hands. Maybe the Lord will budge, stir His timing and plans. Maybe we can meddle and compromise.
But God is indeed a knowing God. He didn’t ask me to give up on things He puts in my heart. He just only asked of me to surrender, to willfully accept and submit to His will, and it was my choice to do so. We can choose freely anyway, and that night, I chose to surrender it all to God, that warm, starry night, I offered it all back to Him as Abraham tendered Isaac.
It is a behavioral trait of humankind to ask, yet is ungrudging to give, to demand but is not willing to yield. We always take but we are reluctant to bestow. Humans are undeniably selfish in nature. Greediness sometimes overpowers our lives, that is why God presents Jesus to us, to give us the opportunity to deny ourselves. God willingly sacrificed His son, but still gives us the chance to choose acceptance. He wanted to fill our cups with His righteousness, but it is so full of fleshly things, there’s no space left for Him to pour.
There is no room in me to be His home, I became fully aware of it that night. I could not welcome Him whole-heartedly for I am pre-occupied of worldly desires. I emptied my heart, and so, as I allowed it to be in complete surrender, I gained what I have prayed for too long, I was rewarded of peace of mind, I was gifted of a serene heart. This happened, only when I offered my Isaac back to God.
