Acceptance, Moving on, and Letting go.

I’m thinking about you again.
I lost count of how many times i thought about you.
I always wonder if you also think of me, even just for second.
I always want to know if you are doing fine, If you are happy.
What are you thinking right now?
Where are you right now?
Is it raining there? Please don’t catch a cold.
I always try to stop thinking about you, but i always fail.
I want to stop thinking about what could have been between us, the what ifs, and i want to stop remembering every memory we have when we were in college. But seriously, you were the one who made my college life less ordinary. You became one of the reasons why i want to always do the thesis even if i really resent it.
You became my reason why i want to always be at the university, instead of home. You are silent and easily get bored, but i treasure our precious conversations we had. For me, my best college days were the ones when i was with you.
Believe me, i tried wishing these feelings away but it wasn’t easy even now. I thought i am fully moving on and fully forgetting you, but at the end of the day, my thoughts will be you. When will i ever get tired? When will i allow myself to fully let you go? What am i even holding on to? You don’t see me as i see you, i don’t even know what type of woman you like.
Thinking back, i don’t know even know when did i start having these feelings.
I wanted us to graduate together, but you needed another subject to graduate.
I wanted to be there to congratulate you, but i guess i was so occupied that time looking for a job.
I remember thinking for days if i should send you a message, and i did.
In my surprise, you replied. I was so happy, you know. I think i was jumping with joy that time.
Our conversation went on for two weeks, but it was just a casual catching up between friends, because we were friends. Just friends.
I wanted to cross that boundary, to try to give up the good friendship and choose love. But of course i didn’t.
I didn’t have the courage to let you know about my feelings, i didn’t have the courage to show you that i like you. And that, it’s not just like anymore, it’s something deeper.
Maybe i was just overthinking things before that maybe, you did like me too. Even just one percent. My friends teased me about being so close to you, and maybe i just overthink every thing. Until now, i still don’t know if i should tell you about it, If i should still let you know about this feeling. Should i? Don’t worry, i am not expecting something in return. Maybe i just want to finally let out this feeling i’ve been carrying since i met you. I am writing all of it, the real thing, the things i want to tell you, my feelings, and i am writing this because again, i am deciding to let go. I should let go, and accept that there are some people in our life who aren’t meant to stay, who aren’t meant to love you the way you do. I have to accept that you don’t like me back and that should be okay, it wasn’t your fault. There were nights i cried for you, but i shouldn’t. There were nights i couldn’t sleep thinking of you, imagining you with me, wishing silly things, and even talking to the Lord about you. And i suddenly teared up while writing this, you might think i’m crazy. But yeah, i did talk about you with our Lord. Telling him every night how i feel about you, telling him to protect you, to guide you, and i pray to him, whoever that woman he’s preparing for you, please make sure that she can make you happy and able to take care of you. When you found her already, maybe i can tell you honestly that i am happy for you. As long as you are happy with her, i will be too.
I guess, to be able to let go fully, i have to accept this feeling too, i know it will cause me more pain, its part of the process. I’ve been in denial for it for years, But here it is, yes, I do love you.
I am not sorry for falling for you, i am not regretting it either. I thought distance will take this away, but in my surprise, it grew. Weird, right? I don’t even know you so much, we only have four years together in the university, but here i am, like a fool in love with you who is so close yet so far away.
I want to thank you for existing in my life during those rollercoaster university years. I want to thank God, because he let me meet you even in a short while, he let us be friends, he let you became part of my story. He used you to somehow become my source of joy during bad times in college. I remember so many days when i just smile in your presence. I want to thank you for being just there to make me smile, thank you for working hard for our thesis, thank you because i saw how hard you tried to fit in the university, thank you because you somehow take away my stress and tiredness during the stressful days of thesis. You might think i’m always mad at you, but it was just me hiding my feelings. You don’t know how much you made me happy whenever you were around, and i enjoy all our messenger conversations. So thank you for just being you, and existing in my life. It was extraordinary.
I wanted to take care of you, but maybe it’s not really meant for me. I will start to accept that friendship is the only best thing we can have. And even if you get to know this, i want our friendship to stay, but if not, i will understand, accept and move on. That’s life, right? Love is always followed by pain, i knew this.
So, this is all of it. I might have glitches along the way, but don’t worry, i will really work hard this time, to fully accept and move on. And it is time to really let you go.