I used to call God as my Daddy,
But now I know He can also be my Mommy.
I lost my mom when I was fifteen, a month before I attended my last Junior and Senior’s Promenade and exactly two months before I graduated in high school. It was a not-so-unexpected death and yet I was still shocked and it took me until today to make this reality sink in my mind — she was gone, for eight years now.
Some people might think that moving on from this depends on how strong this poor fifteen year old girl was raised, some maybe thinking it takes time. But none of them know how painful it was and is, until now.
“Life must go on.”
– A piece of advice I received from a not so close friend trying to ‘at least’ comfort me. And you know what; I did it because I don’t have any choice. And until now, that’s what I’m still doing.
But, I think no one can really understand how it feels to go on with your life when your mom’s missing.
When you’re the only girl in the family and you want some girl talk.. but you found no one to talk to.
When you want to attend different parties and you’re looking for someone to tolerate you to wear something and will push you for a makeover believing you can be more beautiful.. but you found none.
When you want to write letters for mother’s day.. but no one reads it.
When you want to say you’re hurting.. but no mom can feel it.
I think no one really understands the pain of losing a mom at an early age.
But in the middle of this pain, God showed up.
He showed up in the midst of my ‘I don’t think no one really understands me’ scenarios.
He’s present even when I’m in my ‘trying hards’ just to move on.
He was there eight years ago until now.. until now that I’m questioning myself why it was too early to not have her anymore.
He was there when I want to have some girl talks and He listened.
He was there when I attended different parties, provided all my dresses and people who can do some makeover for me, and He believed that I am beautiful – with or without those.
He was the one reading my mother’s day letters and appreciating each word.
He was present in my most vulnerable times, listening to my not-so-happy-ending stories, sending friends and even second mothers just to comfort and guide me.
He is present until now that I’m writing this reminding me of His grace that keeps me going and His love that fills all the emptiness in my heart.
He became my mommy since I lost my mom and when I feel like I lost everything, I found myself realizing that He’s everything that I needed and He’s everything I’ll ever need.
For eight years, I used to think that I lost my mom but now I know God has been a great Mom and Dad for me. And He alone can do it.
