A Letter to The Man Who Always Chooses Me

First, I would like to apologize.

For every action of my uncertainty,

For always saying loud and clear how your passionate heart is ready to commit yourself to me, yet here I am, still meandering.

For many times you are saying your promises to me, at the back of my mind I am still insecure.

As I overthink and get scared about our future, I am being hesitant.

There are so many questions in my mind, that maybe, only time can answer.

Can we be happy in the future? Is my heart ready to commit my whole life to you?

I had so many fears, that even my feelings for you cannot suppress.

I had so many doubts, that maybe someday we might realize that we are not for each other.

I had so many negative thoughts about committing to someone my whole self.

I had so many questions that maybe one day we’ll find ourselves, hating each other so much because of our differences.

I am actually frightened, that our future can somehow give us so much pain and disappointment because of some wrong decisions we made in the past and love was not enough to deal with it.

I feel dreadful that maybe one day, we’ll find ourselves, blaming each other for our frustrated dreams.

The uncertainty remains uncertain, and I am really scared about what would happen next.

I may not have my answer today, but surely I will continue to wander.

As I continually seek my assurance of completing myself right now, but I don’t mean that my feeling towards you is not real.

Maybe, I am not yet ready to commit myself to someone who I don’t want to get hurt in any possible way, ‘coz my individuality and discernment are not ready.

Even my uncertainty may give you pain and heartbreak, please don’t give up on me.

I may be a wanderer on this specific timeline, but surely, I love you and I hope your heart will not get exhausted for loving the incomplete me.

-HANSY. PATOOTSY.