A Realization from a Confused Heart.

“Hinanap kita. I had been in a continuous search just to find you

Yet I never succeed”

I always end up meeting the wrong people during those times that I thought was the right time for me to finally have you.

And I may have met you but unfortunately, we never coexist in each other’s world simply because it wasn’t the right moment for us yet.

Pero pano nga ba kita matatagpuan if me-myself was searching for you for the wrong reasons.

They said the right person will come at the right time, but I was too impatient to wait. I started searching for you, hoping to finally find you.

I am clueless about your identity but I know my heart knows you better. I still fail to have you but I didn’t stop searching. I want you to know that I had been looking for you thru my past flings, wishing that you can be one of them and things could turn into something else. I had tried looking for you thinking that you could be a friend of a close friend or a relative and we are bound to be connected thru them, but you aren’t. I had tried looking for you thru those dating apps and sites but none of those people I met there was you. And I had tried looking for you thru the places that I had been to yet I still didn’t find you.

All along I thought I was looking for someone to love, for that somebody whom I can have a relationship with.

But I was wrong.

I realized I was looking for you for the wrong reasons.

I was at that point of my life na ‘jowang-jowa na ako’ thats why I am looking for you. I was trying to find you on those people I meet yet I always seem to suddenly have a change of mind every damn time that someone tries to flirt with me, during those times when a friend or relative introduces somebody to me and whenever someone asks me for courtship.

I always have that point in my life na napapa –“It’s not you, It’s me” nalang ako. Dahil alam ko namang talaga na the fault was in me, but I seem not to be able to give the right explanation about it.

Close friends, relatives, and even some acquaintances are still wondering. They keep on asking why I am like this, why is it that I am not like everyone else who had already settle with somebody. And I would always tell them that it’s because I know I’m too much for someone and relationships are really not my thing.

It had been my automatic response just to shut them up and to stop them to question me further coz I am well aware that I won’t be able to give them the explanation that they want to hear from me.

But it won’t be like that anymore, coz my confused heart already realized what we fail to notice from the beginning.

All along thru those times, the reason why I always seem to meet all the wrong people is simply that it wasn’t a relationship that I was looking for but a companionship rather.

I didn’t notice that I was just looking for that someone just to have a state of something which is way deeper than friendship. That I am simply looking for a companion and was unconsciously aware that I’m still not ready for a relationship.

From the very beginning, all I needed is a companion, that someone whom I can have with deeper connection yet with no deeper obligation to consider. And I’m just basically in need of some company from time to time to fill that void that I tend to feel during those lone times in my life.

All along I was one of those people who had been in continuous search for a person thinking of the need of having someone to love and settle with

yet at the end of the day, what I really needed was the right person as a companion rather than the right person to build a relationship with.

This confused heart of mine finally just had that realization, and I hope that others could also have that enlightenment between the difference of companionship from a relationship.