Dear Beloved;
I am terrified right now. Thousands of days and nights already went by, I am here to realize that I have brought you with me unknowingly and unintentionally. Clearly, moving on does not simply mean replacing someone with another one.
Last night, I dreamed about you. I wrestled about this with God because I did not want to have you in my dreams anymore. However, in that dream, God was demonstrating that you have taken up a huge space in my heart and my love for you never died away. I was astonished to feel all these emotions flooding in upon waking up – I feel like my affection for you did not change one bit after 12 long years. All these desire and yearning must have fallen asleep while I was trying to be busy with my life, only to be reawakened and rekindled by my dream and my remembering of you. I am even surprised to be writing this letter for you, but mostly terrified, just what I have told you in the beginning, because I have no idea where this letter would come to. I am writing my heart out spontaneously.
Beloved, the way it has been between us before, has caused me to feel bad about myself – that I am not beautiful enough, that I am not good enough. It had caused me to not see my value, so I just accepted that perhaps I am not the type of person people would pursue. I am not blaming you. It was my shortcoming, for looking faithfulness and love in the wrong place, in the wrong person. It was my mistake, for allowing what had happened between us define who I am and shape my identity. God has shown me this picture today, this picture I have failed to recognize even after losing our communication, this picture I have brought with me into all other relationships I have entered in after, which only worsened and intensified by those people in those relationships by their own respective share of – still – making me feel I am not beautiful enough, that I am not good enough.
I had to see this picture today, I had to feel all these feelings come to life again, to finally release you from my heart and mind, once and for all.
And for my healing to begin.
I have found an everlasting love in God that defeated my longing for you. I have understood God’s heart, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I am beautiful because I am created after His very own image. I have received God as my Father, who has given me my perfect identity; that I am a child of God, a royalty, a princess to a King. I have come to know Jesus, who pursed me and saved me, despite my deserving of hell for my countless of sins. Jesus is my Faithful One, who is committed to love me, whose love I do not have to earn. I have come to learn from Jesus that I do not have to prove myself good enough to deserve His love – to deserve Him.
Beloved, I am committing you into the hands of the Lord. I am surrendering you to Him as I ask Him to take His rightful place in my heart which you have occupied for a very long time. This is the part where I stop confessing my affection for you, and this is where I will start proclaiming my love for Jesus – that He has loved me first with an unconditional, immeasurable and overflowing love – and that I love Him so much too, and only Him will I love for now, while I wait for the man He will send who will pursue me and love me like He does.
I no longer feel bad about myself – I no longer feel I am not beautiful and I no longer feel I am not good enough. It was enough for me for Jesus to tell me that I am beautiful and that I am enough.
I am no longer terrified. I am at peace with how this letter has turned out.
I am releasing you out of my heart and may you never be in my dreams again.
Farewell.
